Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Getting Through It

Where have I been? Am I still out there?

Yep. I am still alive yet just barely. I have been tortured worse than Jack Bauer will ever experience. The torture otherwise known as the MISERABLE BABY SYNDROME. Seriously. If I didn't know any better, I would think that Masyn has developed a severe case of colic. All she has done for the past three weeks is cry and fuss and nothing, absolutely nothing will make her happy. My days are long and filled with trying to straddle that fence: on one side I have to entertain that little boy who has demonstrated a virtue that I sadly lack: Patience. While on the other side I am trying to be compassionate and loving towards my miserable screaming daughter.

I almost hit my breaking point yesterday and was on the verge of tears. Feeling alone, depressed and just down right burnt out, instead of journalizing yet another tirade of how long and crappy my day was, I decided to go back and read previous entries. There is just something to be said about journals really. Normally, I never go back and read previous entries as I am too critical about myself; I usually end up thinking that I am the biggest geek out there for writing what I did. However, last night there was a moment that I thought that I was truly brilliant. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote the day before having Masyn:

February 14, 2007
" ...... I know that there are going to be some long days ahead for me. Paul will be working extreme hours as always and there will come a point in the summer that I always hit and start to resent the fact that his profession does not seem to allow him anytime with his family. But I am going to promise myself now, that if and when that time comes, or if I happen to experience a long day with two fussy kids, that I am not going to allow myself to become upset or feel isolated. Instead I am going to focus on the fact that I have been blessed to have two beautiful children. And, I am going to enjoy those long days with them because there is going to come a time in the future when they won't want to be with me; that I will be second choice to them. As Kaelen has taught me, being a parent and watching your child grow, their time as babies seems so short and quick. One blink and they are toddlers, the next they are preschoolers. If I fill my days with the boo-hoos for myself, then I will miss out on this time I have been given with them .... "

Having read this, it infused me with a sense of calmness and brought to mind that sure, yes the days have been long of late, but Masyn is only this age for so long. Instead of feeling frustrated at the constant crying, or feeling overwhelmed when Kaelen jumps on my back in an attempt to play, I need to find the humour in the moment and the pleasure.

So, as we got through today, by adopting this new attitude it made it much more pleasant for everyone involved. Masyn had a better day, likely because she didn't have my bad vibes to help fuel her misery and Kaelen laughed and played nicely the entire day. And ... before I knew it, it was bedtime for my little ones and I actually was saddened to have a few moments to myself.


Goofball said...

Hey Allie,

I am so sorry to hear that Masyn has been having a difficult time. I can imagine that days can seem tiring and long. They even can without 2 children at home!!

I am glad your journal helped you to get your calm again. And if not, just give me a buzz and I'll send a big big virtual hug or I can give you a call :)


Peanut Butter and Jelly Boats said...

What a very sweet post. Motherhood can be trying to say the least but you are doing an outstanding job. Hang in there, before you know it, you will be telling people that Masyn "had" a fussy spell a few months ago.