Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Things that I Have Learned as a Mommy

  1. That puke really can give you that warm, fuzzy feeling .... As it is running down your arm and front of your shirt that is .....
  2. Watching your husband struggle to change a 4 month old's diaper can be probably one of the most entertaining things to witness. Especially so if your 4 month old has a lethal butt and your husband has the weakest stomach known to man. Note: Ensure that husband changes diaper on an empty stomach or else Mommy will end up scrubbing the remains of dinner off of the floor.
  3. Like babies, husbands will outgrow their vomitting tendancies. This is because they develop the technique to change the diapers by holding their breath and closing their eyes upon opening the diaper.
  4. Nothing hits home more that you are a milking machine as when you are pumping your tender engorged breasts and your husband meanwhile is "mooing" like a cow to get his point across. For supreme engorgement and entertainment, try double pumping to see which boob can fill the bottle up faster. That really keeps a husband entertained and amazed.
  5. Children will produce more snot than poop.
  6. Enemas don't equate to geriatric patients only.
  7. When administering an enema to your child, the directions actually hold true that action will be produced within two minutes. What the directions don't warn you is that the cannon like explosion produces the sound of a gunshot along with very strong earthquake like aftershocks. Note: Ensure that husband is prepared for this. Especially so if he is holding and comforting the child. It is recommended that husband is sitting down for this explosion or else he could be startled into dropping the child thinking that he has been shot.
  8. If air travelling with a toddler, it is guaranteed that they will have a nasty bout of diarrhea upon boarding call.
  9. There is no such thing as the 30 second rule when perishable, edible foods hit the floor. It is more like the 5 minute rule; if it still looks clean, then eat it.
  10. Spiders can truly provide not only entertainment for toddlers, but nutritional value as well. After all, theory has it that the average person will consume (unknowingly) 7 spiders in their lifetime.

3 comments:

Useless Man said...

Nothing hits home more that you are a milking machine as when you are pumping your tender engorged breasts and your husband meanwhile is "mooing" like a cow to get his point across."

Ummm... Guilty as charged. I've been known to haved moo-ed in the past...

goofball said...

"Watching your husband struggle to change a 4 month old's diaper"

oh gosh, had to read that sentence 4 times....I read the following

"Watching your husband struggle to change a 4 month old diaper"......Not sure if I would find that entertaining. But that was not what you wrote. Ok got it now.

beth said...

Poo, breastmilk, snot. What more could I want in a post. This was hysterical.