Friday, May 02, 2008

Separation Anxiety

The time has come and my fairy tale has ended. This is officially my last Friday as a stay at home Mommy. I have thoroughly enjoyed this time with my children and am secretly devastated that I can't be at home with them forever. I don't want Monday to come where I have to begin the routine of getting up early and rushing around to get everyone else ready and breakfast served. I don't want to drop my children off to another's house (despite her being a true sweetheart) and then driving away. I won't wear makeup that day because I know that I will be crying. I won't wear a watch either because I won't be able to quit looking at it and getting frustrated that the time isn't passing quicker.

And of course, today is flying by way too quickly. I want the time to slow down but it won't. The kids (okay my son because he gets what is going on) are just as upset that I have to go back to work and keep telling me that they want me to stay at home and why can't I find work from home. I wish that I could.

So, for this next month, I have to put my head to the grind stone to find a job. For the short term, I will be picking up shifts at the golf course as a waitress as they are in a crisis right now. Meanwhile, if an office opportunity comes up, I will take that (with the golf course's full knowledge). If that doesn't pan out, I am also getting everything prepared that is required to open a day home; it is just a long process to do so - at least a month minimum to qualify for the standards that are mandated. Despite that being very poor money, I am hoping that this may be what is in my destiny because then I can be with my children. And ideally, I would love to bring children in that are close to my children's age. Perhaps a child that is my son's age and their parents wish for them to go to preschool too, but can't because they have no way to get their children to and from. I would love to provide comfort to other parents that are in the same predicament as me.

It is hard some days because everyone seems to offer their opinion of what is best for me. I know that people are only trying to help and provide comfort but telling me that it is good for the children and myself to have a break from one another is not helping me. Due to my husband's job, our family structure is similar to that of a single mom's. My husband is really only here 7 hours a day and that is for sleep. But what differs to that of a single mom, is that I have that lifestyle 9 out 12 months of a year as opposed to everyday of a year. And yes, there are days that my children frustrate me but that is normal. However, spending everyday with them with no breaks isn't killing me. What is killing me however is leaving my children.

So, I am pretending to be happy today, when in fact all I want to do is cry. Today, the kids and I are going to have a day filled with laughter, hugs, kisses and they are probably going to get sick of me telling them how much I love them and how much they mean to me.

I know ... I should just suck it up and deal with reality. I have been blessed to be at home this long but in the big picture, going back to work is the best thing for the kids for it will ensure that food is on the table and there is hot water for baths. Sadly, that is no embellishment either.


Lesley said...

Oh Allie, I feel your pain, I can remember Joey's first day at daycare just like it was yesterday and it's bringing tears to my eyes. Leaving your child with strangers has got to be one of the most difficult things to do ever. Period. I hope things work out for you ... totally forgot that you have to be government regulated in BC whereas here you don't.
Be strong girlfriend - it's always harder on the parents than the children. In my experience children can easily be distracted with toys and other children. It's the parents that can't be easily distracted.

Anonymous said...

Love you Alli. Don't ever forget that you are a wonderful mother to your Babes, it is obvious how much you and Paulie love those kids, and they truly know how much they are loved too. You have an amazing family and this will make you laugh - the girls were fighting ALL DAY LONG about who got to be Masyn "in the game". LOVE YOU and can't wait to see you next weekend. Deb

Andrea said...

This must be so hard for you...I can only imagine how hard it would be if I had to go back to work and leave my kids with someone else. Being a stay-at-home mom is my dream job, and it would break my heart to have to quit it...just like how you are feeling right now. Just the fact that you don't want to go back to work and that you want to stay home with your kids tells me that you are an awesome don't forget that!

christie said...

I wish I could win the lottery to make you able to stay home and me to fly to Cranbrook every other weekend for fun!!

sigh.....guess that's in my dream I love it there

Goofball said...

big big hug!