Thursday, June 07, 2007

How Do You Know?

Interestingly, it has been somewhat reassuring that I am not the only one who is thinking about pregnancy, children and whether or not to have another baby. Of late, once people see and coo over Masyn, the next question will be "Are you done now? Or, will you be having another one?" And, every now and then, it will be followed by the comment, "You have one of each now so you are lucky as you have the perfect family". Do I? Hmm .... well being biased, yes, I do happen to think that I have the perfect family but I would feel that way regardless of the sex of my children. But am I done? That is a good question. I am torn really. It seems so very hard for me to be final and say, "Yes. I am done with having babies". Yet, the thought of having another child sometimes feel overwhelming. When I have confided those thoughts to others, I often am told to give it time as I only just had a baby three months ago and it is too soon to be thinking about pregnancy again. Perhaps it is so, but I feel that if I were to have another baby, then I only have a short window of time to do so given both my age and the issues that I have in maintaining pregnancies.

It has also been pointed out to me by family and friends that maybe I should not have more babies given how difficult my pregnancies are with the constant threat of miscarriage, preterm labour and doing injections on a daily basis in hopes that it will keep the pregnancy thriving. Pregnancy for me is an emotional, terrifying roller coaster. When I am pregnant, there are days that I become bitter because it is not an enjoyable experience for me. Despite trying my best to focus on the positive, that fear of "Am I going to miscarry today?" or "Are those aches preterm labour or just growing pains ...." really start taking tolls on my well being. Yet, I truly believe that I was meant to have children and lots of them as it is so very easy for me to conceive and ... once I get through the pregnancy, the balancing act of being a mommy is truly an enjoyable event for me. I rarely get flustered with the chaos that children can bring to the fold and I am a person who does not need much sleep, so that alone gives me the upper hand in being a mommy. I love the 24 hour responsibility that being a mom demands. However, there is that other part of me that says perhaps I should appreciate all the good that I have now and just kick back to enjoy it. Enjoy my two children and move on with life. Enjoy the fact that I can have more individual freedom a couple of months down the road and the freedom in knowing that our family of four is easier to accommodate with activities once the kids get a little older. It seems that many trips, cars, houses and such are catered towards two adults and two children. And given that neither my hubby and I make great money, perhaps having two children is all that we could handle as far as financial obligations go down the road in the future.

It is a constant tug of war that is running through my head. One day I am gung ho to get pregnant again while the next day I am terrified to get pregnant again. Hubby is on a waiting list for a referral for a consultation for the big "V". Part of me hopes that the phone call doesn't come in for a while as then we wouldn't have any pressure on making things so final. Having said that, hubby is very content with our family and would prefer not to have any more children and that is mostly due to financial concerns and my health when pregnant.

For some women, it is a clear knowledge for them in knowing when they are done with having babies. For others, it is such a very hard concept to wrestle with. For me, I definitely fall in the latter category; the thought of "being done" is uncomfortable and all too final for me.

8 comments:

Amber said...

If you're not sure, I'd have Hubby hold off on the appointmen Some people just know. Others figure it out down the line.

As much as it would have been easier to stop at two, we've always known we'd have three. Even right after I gave birth to #2, I felt strongly there was still one more. Not exactly settling when you've just suffered through labor. :-)

After that, hubby will be the one getting the appointment for the big "V." :-)

Peanut Butter and Jelly Boats said...

I'm with you on that one. I have days when I think, Ok, three is more than enough children. Then there are days when I think, I'd love to have one more. I don't think I can ever say, "I never want to have another baby." It's too hard to say something like that for me.

You're a great mommy and whatever you decide will be wonderful!

Jenn said...

Allie,

Great post, very thought provoking.

Jenn

Ashley's Mom said...

Allie, I've gone through the same thought process so many times over the last 10-15 years. The difference for me was that I became a single mom 4 months after my first son was born. I still knew that I wanted more children, so adoption was the path I took. I *think* I'm stopping now at 4 kids, but only because I am out of bedrooms in my house. If I had a bigger house, there would be more kids! I agree with PB&J, it's really really hard to say "no more" (whether through birth or adoption).

Goofball said...

I am sorry, I don't want to mingle me in your thought process of having more children or not. That is very personal process you have to go through with your family and you have to follow your heart.

However mentioning the V appointment made me think of this picture we took in India. I can't help making some publicity for the health department in Goa : http://www.verbrugghe.net/India/photos/photo63.html. Check it out, they have very convincing arguments :p.

kate said...

it's such a tough thing for people to consider. but tougher for those who have any kind of issue conceiving or carrying.

i waited 2.5 years for my first. the second came easy. (thankfully). but the pregnancies (knock wood) went smoothly. no major issues, but yes, i do complain.

i'm one of those "i'm done, 2 is enough for me" people, but i understand the inner tug-of-war. i had it when deciding about the 2nd one.

if i were you, i'd wait. don't make any decisions one way or the other until you feel more sure. or maybe your husband is right about the finances and risks to your health. who knows? those are important things.

good luck and breathe deeply.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Boats said...

I tagged you!!

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Of course you know I can understand. It's unfortunate some people just feel like they must "make conversation" by asking intruding questions like "you must be trying for a girl?" when they see 3 boys, or "you aren't having any more are you?" (like it's a bad thing!) and so forth. I am not sure if it will ever end!

Steph