Thursday, September 28, 2006

A Myriad of Conflicted Feelings

There are days when I wish that I could take a vacation from my brain. A vacation where I could simply exist in a mindless world where no thoughts or worries would be present. Where all feelings like responsibility, fear and self depreciation could go away for a short time so I could give this over worked brain of mine a rest. I know that it would be a short lived vacation as I am a person who tends to thrive on drama and emotions (or so I have been told) and I am also honest enough with myself that I am a person who needs to be needed.

Of late, I have been struggling with a sense of being selfish. A sense of feeling alone with no one to speak to. A sense of no matter how I try to express myself, that my true thoughts will not be conveyed. I just wish more than anything in the world, that someone could just truly take a look at me, see what is inside and wrap me in their arms and tell me that everything is going to be alright.

Why do I feel so alone right now? A plethora of reasons come to mind. I feel ashamed that I am not enjoying this privilege of being pregnant. I am too scared to allow myself to bond with this baby due to overwhelming fears of losing the pregnancy and the devastation that comes with it. I am extremely uncomfortable and dealing with pain, aches and cramps that just don't seem normal in a pregnancy. Of late, I have been struggling with my injections and it seems like every second day, I am hitting a vessel that causes massive bruising and swelling at the site. That, or I can't get the needle injected because my skin seems to have become as tough as leather. It is hard, because I will try to convey my worries and frustrations of this to the people in my life and I always end up feeling stupid because I know that they don't and can't understand.

I feel overwhelmed with trying to balance having to work full time yet still be a quality mother to my son. I struggle with the sense of disorganization and lack of proactiveness within my work environment and that I am wasting my time; that I could be apply it to much more useful and positive energies such as teaching my son about all of the beautiful things that are out there. I feel envious of my friends that have the ability to stay at home with their children while I leave my son four days a week with an angel of a woman to watch over him. Instead of looking at the bright side at how much love Kaelen is getting in his daycare, I find myself jealous that this angel gets to see Kaelen more in a day that I do. She gets him for 9 - 10 hours a day, whereas I maybe get 3 hours to be with him while he is awake.

Yet despite all of what could be perceived of these negative, selfish thoughts, I also focus on the happy things. There are moments in the day that as I walk down the hall at work, I can innerly smile to myself knowing that I am pregnant. The moment that I see my son when coming home from work, there is an impatient excitement to hold and hug him and see what he has learned from the day. The eager anticipation that I get when my husband is comes home from work, knowing that my heart will skip a beat and start fluttering because I can hardly wait to get that kiss from him and the greeting of "Hi Honey". The immense pride and swelling of my heart when I reflect on the two perfect men that I have in my life, knowing that I am blessed to even have such.

Perhaps the whirling of conflicting emotions that are constantly shifting my moods and feelings can be blamed on pregnancy hormones. Or perhaps, I need to learn to accept that life is what it is and that everything happens for a reason. I just know that it is tiring and that for most days of late, I feel defeated.


beth said...

I've read this carefully and I do not consider any of the feelings you have described to be "selfish." You are dealing with so much in your pregnancy due to the fear you have from the past and every day you have to deal with physical painto get you through it. That's amazingly difficult. I wish you had a way to express your feelings in a way that would make you feel heard. Maybe it has to be through your blog, maybe the people you have close to you are more available to hear you than you realize. I know pregnancy can really toy with our feelings, but that doesn't mean they aren't real and that you should feel validated in expressing them.

Amber said...

I think you're on track in your attempts to focus on happy things. And I think it's natural (particularly while pregnant) to become a bit selfish. Lately, I've been having a rough time due to lack of ME time. I feel guilty about it but at the same token, I know it's important to take good care of myself so I can be a good mom.