Tuesday, February 03, 2009


It seems just like yesterday, yet in reality today marks 23 long years since my father died. And, one would think that one learns to move on from the pain, but the truth is that the pain can surface at any time. Granted, the pain isn't as devastating as it first was, but it has turned more into a nostalgic, wistful pain. The yearning pain of wondering what life would have been like growing up with a Daddy. Having the experience of being Daddy's Little Girl, to having him give me away at my wedding. Most of all though, I constantly yearn and wish that my children could have the opportunity to be wrapped in his warm, loving embrace. My Dad was truly a wonderful father. He loved my sister and I with every ounce of his soul and showered us in love, laughter, kisses and great big warm bear hugs. I know that he would be so proud of his grandchildren and would shower his love on them just the way he did with my sister and I. And despite the years that have gone by with his absence, this year it feels fresh. Fresh with the knowledge at just how truly young he was to have left this world. When growing up, the later years of the 30's always seemed old. As you get closer to those years, you realize that you are just starting to live life to the fullest. This year, I will be the same age that my father died at; 37. And with that knowledge, it has infused me with the determination to enjoy each and every moment of my children, husband, family and friends.

So today, I find myself very reflective. I keep taking those trips down memory lane, reliving those tragic moments of his death to glowing in the happier times. This morning, in an attempt to post something very profound, I found myself laughing and crying as I took a short trip down memory lane on my blog site in an effort to link you to my post about my dad from last year. What that trip gave me is the gentle reminder of just how enriched my life has become with my children and I feel so incredibly blessed to have shared this with my husband. It also gave me the gentle reminder that my dad is with me in spirit, my heart and memories with every step that I take.

I can't tell you how much I miss him or how much I yearn for him because I just don't know how to put it into words. But I will share this with you, he is there for me in my moments of weakness and need. He has infused me with courage, warmth and acceptance. I haven't shared this story with many because it is so hard to aptly put into words, and at the time, the warmth of acceptance was still too fresh for me to share on the off chance that it gets met with cynicism or contradiction.

Back in December of 2005, during the Christmas holidays, I had experienced my second miscarriage. I was devastated, inconsolable and alone. I had to go into work as my manager was away and I had already missed a week of work due to the surgery needed for the miscarriage. I was physically sore and emotionally a wreck. The CEO of the company came into my office and questioned why I was there; I told him that I needed a distraction because I was going to fall apart. That is when he told me to go home. And then he imparted this wisdom on me. He said, "Allison, I want you to go home, but when you walk out of that door, I want you to walk across that bridge, into the park. Find a bench and sit down and then I want you to look up. Look up at that beautiful big sky out there. Look around and see all of the beauty that is surrounding you because too often, when people are down, they forget to look up and then get lost in the dark." To be honest, I had no intention of doing so but he was watching for me when I left and basically bullied me into doing so. So, to appease him, I started across the bridge. I took a deep breath and then lost the battle. Tears from my broken heart and soul came pouring out. I couldn't stop the flow and stumbled for that bench in a blurr. Muttering to myself, I asked myself why this happened to me again. Why because I having a hard time understanding and accepting. A moment later, the cloud overhead opened up and the warmth of the sun embraced me with what felt like a hug. Upon lifting my head to those rays, I asked my Dad to watch over my babies that I would never get to hold, hug nor shower with love. To love them as much as he loved me. In that moment, I heard bells ring in the distance. They chimed a beautiful melody that comforted me and gave me a measure of peace. With tears of hope, I thanked my Dad for being there for me when I needed someone the most.

Now some people would argue that it was chance that these incidents would happen all in sync, but I know that it was my Dad telling me that he is there for me when I need him.


Ellen said...

Wow, I admire your strength, it is no easy thing when you have lost so much and lose again - but to see things in a new light! I am sure it would be so easy to live in the past, but you have obviously chosen another path and chosen well!! Your post made me cry.. what a beautiful picture of your father with his grandchildren!

Jenn said...

So beautiful and such a post said from the heart.