Saturday, October 11, 2008


It is Thanksgiving weekend here with Monday being the special day. It is a weekend for most Canadians to winterize their homes, kick back and enjoy the new NHL season, NFL mid season and MLB playoffs. But most importantly, it is a time to reflect on all of the good things that you have in your life.

Me? I am truly thankful for so much. However, of late, I find that my selfishness precedes my humbleness and I have developed the bad, arrogant case of the "I feel sorry for me" blues. Life has been a whirlwind for our family this entire year. It seems that we have been on the run since January whether it was moving, dealing with sick kids or trying to juggle work schedules. Money is constantly tight and that it a crappy feeling living pay cheque to pay cheque while trying to enjoy the best life has to offer in a non monetary way. I used to be an expert on time management and now that talent has flown out the window and left me with a scatter brain that isn't capable of effectively multi tasking. Emotions seem to be catching up to me and I feel overwhelmingly tired. I feel tired of putting on that happy face and pretending that all is tickety boo when in fact I just want to collapse on the couch and have a good pity cry. I want to feel sorry for myself that everything seems to happen to our family or at least that is what people point out to me. I know for the most part it is in a good natured gesture, but the fact is that it is true. If something were to happen to someone, it would most likely be in our family. If lightening were to strike a tree and fell it into a home; it would be mine. If some kid was riding a bike and looking another way resulting in hitting someone; it would be me or one of my children. We are unlucky.

Saying that though doesn't not aptly describe us because we are also lucky. We have each other and we have fun with each other. We take each jab in the gut with grace and humour and deal with it. But there are times that it just gets down right defeating. Do you know what I mean?

Masyn is getting better. She has finished up her antibiotic treatment and goes in on Tuesday for urine and blood tests to ensure that the infection has cleared up. We will also discover on Tuesday what our next course of action will be with her. At this point, we will be making a trip back to the Children's Hospital sometime in the near future for comprehensive testing. She has been through it before and did great .... at 11 months of age. Now that she is 19 months, I expected that it will feel like torture because lying still is next to an impossible task to ask of a child of that age. But, it has to be done as we need to discover what is the root cause of these infections. In the big picture, this is a pesky issue to deal with that will likely end up being treated with a preventative dose of medicine on a daily basis until the age of 3, but when it is your child, there are days that it feels like an insurmountable obstacle. It is painful to watch your child in pain and knowing that if you don't catch infections, and if it were to get severe, that it could cause long term damage. It kind of makes you feel like you are an overbearing parent, jumping and assessing everything and thinking worst case scenario. You start to have arguments in your head with every little sniffle and cough trying to assess if this is the one that you need to react upon. Upon reflecting on this, I thank God that this is only a small thing in the big picture that I deal with because there are parents out there that have it a lot worse with their precious loved ones.

Three of four of us in this house are sick with that pesky common cold so that means no sleep for this Mommy as I am required to attend my three babies ... erm I mean husband and two babies. The cold won't leave our house because it latches on like a parasite to everyone (except thankfully for me so far) including my daycare children so it is a vicious cycle. And, no amount of cleaning or sanitary practices is ridding it. Daycare days are long of late and 3 of my 5 children are going through MAJOR behavioural issues so I find that my days are filled with screaming, crying children and constant reprimanding from me. And I am struggling with that. I am a firm parent and have basic rules that I expect to be followed: manners and respecting others around you. That means no hitting, no throwing toys around, no yelling at each other when mad and putting away toys when you are done playing with you. Some of my daycare kids are beating each other over the head with plastic baseball bats or giving right jabs to the jaw or are taking toys and scattering them to every corner of the house and defiantly not picking them up. No amounts of time outs for the toys or child is working. It is difficult to parent your child and someone else's child at the same time on a daily basis. My children, after many warnings and such, if continuing to act out of line, can be found on the receiving end of a butt burner, the loss of their favourite possession for the remainder of the day or having quiet time in their bedroom for a while. I can't do that with other children. Where is the happy medium? I have spoken to the parents about challenges and/or issues that we are experiencing at daycare and the parents have expressed that they too are having issues at home and have no idea how to deal with it. How do you respond to that?

As you can see, of late I stuck with this swirling myriad of thoughts and feelings. I know for the most part I need to get over myself but I am just tired. Tired of being pulled in a thousand directions with working multiple jobs, parenting what seems like constantly sick children, feeling guilty because my husband is on the brink of being burnt out and trying to act like all is okay in my life. When it comes down to it, I feel alone. Very alone and not ready to admit that it is okay to feel overwhelmed.


Jenn said...


It is okay to be overwhelmed, I think all mothers go through it at some point. You do sound tired

Remember it's always darkest before dawn. Things will get better. Once the gig is over in the evenings and this thing gets sorted out with Masyn. I've been reading your blog for years. I know that you are a glass half full kind of person. It will get better.


Andrea said...

Wish I could come over and give you big hug...and give you a hand with some things too! I know what it's like to feel overwhelmed...and not able to organize/get done everything/solve everything...because I LOVE to have my ducks all in a it's really tough when I get into the too tired/overwhelmed stage. I know you can make it through though...and really, sometimes just having a good pity cry helps. :) From what I know about you, you're a great mom and wife...and your hubby and kids are SO lucky to have you!

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I do hope you are all feeling better soon and yes- you have every right to feel tired. Wishing you rest and comfort!


Goofball said...

well you've said it yourself, you are too tired and need to get a break to rest. I experienced myself last week how being overtired makes you very emotional and paralysed at every challenge.

Can you get a babysit for a day in the weekend to treat you to some mommy time? Can your aunt living in cranbrook give you that?

Trish said...

You seem to be going through a tough time. It is totally normal and well deserved to feel overwhelmed. Sometime a good cry on the couch is just what the doctor ordered!!! I am so sorry that you baby has to go through all those tests. I know as a mom, we would trade places with our children if we could. Anything to save our little ones from pain or discomfort. I hope they find out what is causing the infections. Keep us posted! You are in my thoughts

Anonymous said...

Love you Alli!! Very thankful this weekend to have you in my life...the bottle of wine is waiting for your journey to Calgary.


Peanut Butter and Jelly Boats said...

Oh girl, sometimes you feel tired and overwhelmed because life is tiring and overwhelming!

I wish I could take you out for a cup of coffee! You are a great mom and wife and doing a fine job of keeping it all together. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about here.

Ellen said...

doesn't that feel good to get it all out? I know when you get to the point where you can't think straight anymore, it's time to let it all out :) I know families like yours that seem to get all the 'unlucky' and you know what, those families are the closest, most open, and honest and REAL families I've ever met! You are obviously a fighter - and you will make it through this and in 30 years you'll tell your grandkids stories of what you all did and you will all marvel at how things all worked out :) take care my friend!

beth - total mom haircut said...

It is very ok to feel overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed just from reading this post. It is so much that you are dealing with right now. I'm sorry things are so hard. But periods like this have to end, just because they have to, you know? I hope it is soon and that you get some rest. Lots of it.

Midwest Mommy said...

You do have your hands full.
Hope things get better soon and these sick bugs leave your house :-)

Goofball said...

Hey Allie, how are you doing? Did you manage to get some rest! I am thinking of you.