Monday, June 16, 2008

Conversations In Your Head

Everyone is their own worst critic ... no? For me - I certainly am; to the point that I think that I go overboard on myself with expectations that I have set for myself. And truth be told, I have a hard time admitting that I am stuggling and have been struggling for months now with juggling the many balls that are on my platter. It is tough because I feel if I admit that I need help, or that things may feel overwhelming at the moment, that I will be judged by my family and friends. Isn't that kind of sad? Family and friends are supposed to be your soft place to fall yet I am too scared to fall there because I have difficulties admitting that I am not a super hero and all together. When I even contemplate about leaning on anyone, I feel stupid and that I need to buck up and deal with it. Yet, as time goes on, the weight of responsibility gets heavier and heavier.

Of late, I feel like I am the worst Mommy in the world. I lack the patience with my kids after a long day at work and struggle with their whining and quest for independence. There are days that it almost defeats me and I just want to close the bathroom door and cry while the kids bang on the other side crying for me to hold them, cuddle them and such. And as always, I do pull them close into me and their little wet kisses and hugs are the healing balm that my heart and soul needs for that moment. And, while holding them so close to me, I get a wave of guilt wash over me for being so needy, so weak and so pathetic. Pathetic because I love my children more than anything else in this world. We have been on such a journey just to have a family and I am completely humbled at the priviledge of being their Mommy. That is where my critical self kicks in and I start secretly ripping into myself for having weak moments. And then the ugly replays of conversations of the past creep into my head, you know, those stupid comments that come out of family and friend's mouths that piss you off at the time yet for some reason stick with you? Why oh why do those comments rear their ugly heads when I have moments of weakness?

It is hard for me, this feeling of struggling, of pressure and of never seeing an end. I am the one who rarely cares what others think of me. I am the one who will be upfront to people in my thoughts. I am the one who is the leader of the pack always pushing forward and trying to inspire people. I am the one that encourages people to believe in themselves and to be all that they can be. So, if I can do all of this for others, why is it so difficult to practice what I preach?


Peanut Butter and Jelly Boats said...

No one ever said motherhood was even remotely easy. Try to just take it one moment at a time, not worrying about moments past or yet to come.

Jenn said...

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know that is easier said then done, especially when it's you alone with your thoughts.

Remember that mommyhood is the hardest job in the world. People want to help, because you have great kids and they want to spend time with them too.

I find that it depends on my day if I can inspire or if I need inspiring. That is the great thing about blogging and having friends like you who read my blog. I will be there to try and lift you up, just like you are there to lift me up when mommyhood seems overwhelming.

I hope today and tomorrow are better days.


sari said...

Being a mom is the hardest job I've ever had and I think every day I'm not doing as good of a job as I should be.

Don't be so hard on yourself. We're all in the same boat. I think you're a good mom, you've got a good heart.

sari said...

Also, after I had my 2nd son, I had a really hard time accepting help from people, I felt like I could do it all before and I needed to keep doing it all.

After my third, I took help and asked for help from EVERYONE I know, and you know what? It made us all closer, and I really got the break I needed in the first few months of my 3rd's life that made me a better mom for everyone.

Goofball said...

oh Allie....if only you knew what a good mommy you are. I can imagine those though days where it's all too much very clearly. Hey, I am already struggling with my household and myself after work and I am not even a mother. I am sure every mom has those moments.

But that doesn't make you a bad mother! You carry so much love for your children that it moves me! They are soooooo lucky.

But I know what it means being too hard on yourself. It's a daily struggle for myself as well. why do we all expect perfection from ourselves and why do we truly care so much what others might think (what we believe they might thinking...they don't necessarily do think like that about us).


big hug!