Friday, March 31, 2006

STOP NOW...if you don't want to read a self pity rant.....

The following rant is just that: a rant. A huge build up of frustrations, worries and fears. It is neither right nor wrong, nor are any comments expected. It is a way for me to blow off some steam and not risk offending anyone. With that being said, please remember: I know all comments and feedback given to me are meant with good, honest intentions because you care about my family and me.

There are just so many things swirling around in my head and at times it can be the loneliest feeling in the world. I have a good life. I really do. I have a wonderful loving husband, a gorgeous angel of a son, family and friends there ready to catch me if I fall. I have a job, a roof over my head and food on the table. What you may ask is my problem? My answer: the lack of control in my life.

My son is sick yet again. I can't seem to keep him healthy. Daycare is a necessity as mommy and daddy have to work. Yet, it is also a place for Kaelen to have fun, learn and play with friends. I am tired of comments referring to him always being sick or that he seems to have had a run of bad luck since he has made his entrance into this world. I know that. I also feel guilty about that as if it is my fault. Realistically I know that it is not, but I can't stop that feeling. So my question is: if someone goes out of their way to comment on Kaelen always being sick and I respond acknowledging that is true and can't help but feel guilty about it; why is the next comment directed to me that I am being stupid for feeling this way? If you are a parent, can you not relate to that vulnerable, frustrated feeling? And if you are not a parent, then don't take away that feeling from me as you don't get it. You won't until you become a parent and realize that you constantly wear your heart on your sleeve; that you would do anything for your child to keep them safe and healthy. So give both Kaelen and I a break. We are trying the best that we can and I am quite sure that he would not want to live his life in a plastic bubble. Germs happen. Colds happen. I clean my house everyday as does daycare. There is not much else that we can do about it.

As all of these "frustrations" seem to be happening this week, I am tired of people telling me to relax on the pregnancy issue. I want another child period. There is no pretending that I don't want it to happen soon; it is not a thought that you can temporarily shelve. And contrary to your medical opinion, thinking about it will not delay it to happen. I have had two miscarriages in the last seven months. Two shattered dreams, so give me some leniency here. Let me mourn my lost dream and let me talk about my future dream. Let me deal with the fact that there is possibly a medical problem to explain why this is happening to me. Give me the chance to talk about it before you cut me off with "Oh, just give it a chance. Your miscarriage was a way of nature taking it's course". Like duh...I kind of figured that out for myself thanks. And, comments like, "well Allie, look at what you have, you have Kaelen so perhaps you should be happy at that." I KNOW! I probably know this much better than you will ever know. I get to hold this precious little boy everyday. My office at work is filled with his pictures and he gets me through each day with a smile on my face. I look forward to coming home everyday because I know that I will get to hold him, play with him and watch him grow. My weekends are sacred to me because I get to spend a full 48 hours straight with him. So don't be a hyprocrite and mock me because I don't want to go out on the weekends. Because I choose not to have a social life filled with senseless, catty drunk fests of insecure people. I much prefer to fill them with meaningful, quality time with my son.

While I am on a role, I might as well just add to this now longer than anticipated rant, a little self pity. Did you know that should I ever get pregnant again, that I will be completely terrified? Scared of every little ache, twinge or feeling? That there will be no way to relax because I will always question as to whether I have expressed my concerns clearly enough for a doctor to assess me correctly? Did you know that I have been getting testing done as a precusor to figure out why miscarriages might be happening to me? And as a result, we have started finding out some questionable issues? Will you take away my fears when I tell you that there is a chance that I don't produce enough progesterone to carry through a pregnancy? Or that I might have a rare blood disorder that could be a contributing factor to these losses? Or will you qualify it with telling me not to think about it until I have firm facts? Do you understand how difficult that really is?

On an ending note, please don't tell me that God loves me or that he only gives me what I can handle. That doesn't do much for me. Perhaps God provides you comfort and the answers needed to handle your situations but not me. I just have a hard time accepting, that a God could possibly heap on endless amounts of tragedy or drama to one person consistently. For being almost 34 years old, there are days that I feel like I am 64 with all of the hardships that I have had to endure. Perhaps that is what I am supposed to learn in the long run from God, but until then, I would just prefer to sit here perplexed, confused, frustrated, alone and misunderstood.

2 comments:

Debbie said...

Alli,

Oh my. I just want to give you a hug.
I think we need Bingo.

Deb

Anonymous said...

We love you Allie! Hope we see you soon so we can give you and Kaelen big hugs.

Janny, Nicole & family.