Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Life Can Be So Unfair

Sigh.....one of these days, there will be some excitement to post rather than complaints. There are days that I just can't help but wonder what I did in my previous life to deserve such setbacks in this life. I know that is a selfish way to look at things, but I am in that bitter, selfish, "why me" stage right now.

We have lost yet another pregnancy. Back in August, it was one of those naive thoughts that went through your head thinking, "I honestly didn't think that would ever happen to me". After all, we had no problems conceiving, but apparently our problems are going to be carrying a baby to fruition.

On Sunday afternoon, I underwent laparoscopy surgery as well as a D&C for a possible ectopic pregnancy. Tests were showing that I had one which would explain the pain and bleeding that I had been experiencing over the previous week. Needless to say, it was a very emotional time for Paul and I, and one where I just wanted to scream at the world asking "why". Why us again? Did you not think that it didn't hurt us the first time in August that we needed to go through this pain yet again?

So as I sit here at home this week, trying to recover both physically and emotionally, I can't help but be bitter. How can you keep your spirits up like everyone tells you to do so? I know that everyone means it with good intentions, but it doesn't take away the hurt, the pain of another lost dream and the constant ache in your heart. You get to the point where you become resentful because you think that no one understands how you feel, but it is times like this venting, that you will touch someone's heart enough that they will share with you, their heartbreak of a similar incident. It is at those times, that you then truly realize that you are not alone, and then you can forge a bond out of hurt that becomes your dependency line as long as you need it.

Life truly sucks some days doesn't it?


goofball said...

We do understand and it's ok to be grieving now. Don't try to be upbeat if you don't feel like it yet. It takes time but soon you'll start seeing good things about life again I am sure.

Big hug!!

Megan E. Pratt said...

You're tougher than I am Allie. You rock my world.