Monday, August 11, 2008

When Is It Time?

I know that I posted about this before and I have read about it from other women, but I have this burning desire to know. How do you know when you are done? I mean as in done having children.

I have friends who say that it just felt right, or that they just knew. Others tell me that they continue to yearn and dream for another. Others just tell me that they accepted that they would not (or would) have another because of life's circumstances or respecting their spouse's desires.

For me, I feel like I am lost is a deep abyss. Some days it is crystal clear that I am not ready to be done. That my body and mind yearn to experience that spectacular yet humbling process called pregnancy; to grow, nurture, feel and bond with that precious baby within my womb. I yearn to experience the excitement of childbirth working hard for that precious moment of holding and gazing into your newborns face. The wonder and awe of believing that this precious little one is yours. All yours. The trying yet exhilarating times that follow with breastfeeding and watching that newborn grow into an independent little person every time you blink your eyes.

Yet, there are moments for me that I feel distinctly content. I look at my two precious children and the challenges that we went through to get to the point that we are with them and I feel blessed. I feel that I should be grateful for what I have been given and be content with that. There were many occasions that I would pray to God and my Dad to take care of my beautiful son who shocked us all by arriving 7 weeks early. At that time, the concept of prematurity never crossed our minds. We didn't even know that it could happen to us. We were ignorant. The first week of my son's life was filled with anguishing moments and scares with the talk of open head surgery and the ramifications that could come with that. I remember praying and crying and begging for someone to make everything alright with Kaelen and that I would never ask for anything again. Thankfully, my prayers were heard and we were blessed that everything worked out for Kaelen.

Apparently I suffered from memory loss because I found myself praying, crying and begging again shortly thereafter to God and my Dad or anyone else who would listen to me that all that I wanted was a sibling for my son and if they could please ensure that the pregnancy was healthy, that I wouldn't ask for anything else. Thankfully, once again, my prayers were answered after my third miscarriage and I was able to carry out my pregnancy with my daughter to 37 weeks. Because of those prayers and the promises that were made, I sometimes feel that I shouldn't be greedy and hope to have another child. I was blessed to have my prayers heard and answered twice and I should feel blessed and thankful for that.

I think because of those feelings and because they are strong, they are at the forefront of my mind when my body has those urges and yearnings for another child. Or, perhaps that is my inner voice truly telling me that I am done.

How do you know really? Do you know? How is it for you?


Jenn said...

I have no idea, I'm sure I will struggle with the same things. I think it will take some soul searching too on what you want in life and what you forsee doing with your kids. One thing that often crosses my mind is that I love to travel and want to take them with me, which is harder to do with a family of three. But then I can't imagine not knowing another "person". I'll be intrigued to what people say.


Amber said...

I have known from Day 1 of meeting my husband we were supposed to have 3. My attitude was 2-3 kids, his was 3-4 so we compromised on three. And as soon as we made the decision, it just felt right.

I'm glad I had that confirmation because we are on the cusp of getting pregnant with #3 and I'm reaaaaaaally dragging my heels. It would just be so easy to stop now!

tinycandi said...

I am in the same position you are. There are some days when I really wish to have another baby. But...then there are other days when I'm so absolutely done. I've had a history of multiple miscarriages, so now I'm done having children simply out of fear of having another miscarriage. :/

Oh! I hope you don't mind...I tagged you in my recent post:

Ellen said...

me and hubby have always talked about 3 or 4, but now with two it's so nice - you fit comfortably into a vehicle, hotel room, etc., it would be so easy (and less work) to just stop now and leave it at that. At the same time - I want my kids to have that sibling experience and I think of my own (with 2 brothers) and can't imagine only having one brother.. how small would family get togethers be and holidays, etc, we're big on family stuff! it's tough - even now I think of if 3 is going to be it (thinking of a permanent BC method after #3 is born) or would I want another yet? it just seems so final!

Goofball said...

nobody else can tell you, Allie. You need to find that out yourself.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Boats said...

If you figure this one out, let me know!