Pondering the Whys

Today is one of those days that I find myself constantly deep in thought. Deep in thought about the "whys" of life. Why does it seem that achieving certain accomplishments in your life can be easier for one and not for another? Particularly, becoming parents. Why do some people have to walk through hell and back just to achieve this privilege while others appear to not have to work as hard? And, while I admit that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors per se, that perhaps those people who appear to have an easier time with it, may in fact not. But the biggest question for me is if pregnancy and child birth are supposed to be a natural, beautiful occurrence for women, why does it not seem as such for people?

Without going into great detail, out of respect of privacy for very good friends of ours, this newest scare feels like the icing on the cake for me. Their situation: after many years of frustration to have a baby, the dream comes true and their excitement becomes focused on the projected arrival date. Two weeks prior to arrival date, Mom begins to show signs of complications with signs of very high blood pressure. Labor is induced to protect Mom and babe only to turn out unsuccessful. 20+ hours later, baby is delivered via cesarean and is a healthy baby boy. Mom however, is still struggling with high blood pressure and fluid is discovered in lungs. Four days later, all seems somewhat under control so family goes home to be a new family. During those next 8 hours, Mom struggles for breath, becomes dizzy and something feels very wrong. She is not even given a chance to savour the exuberant feeling of being a Mom. Family packs up to head back to the hospital to have Mom checked out again. While at hospital, Mom goes into congestive heart failure and luckily, was able to be stabilized. Now, Mom is in ICU, I am sure shocked as hell and devastated while Dad and baby make visits, but are at home trying to give baby the best care possible. At this point, no one knows what is going to happen next.

Now, as a Mom to a preemie, I can just imagine some of the devastation, yearning and disbelief that Mom is going through right now at not being with her newborn 24/7. And although in our case, our son remained in the hospital while I was at home, the utter devastation, unavoidable guilt and yearning is crippling. I can't even put into words what the feeling is like to not have your newborn with you. But what I can't imagine is how Mom is feeling when the situation is balancing potentially upon her life if things were to take the turn for the worse. And with those thoughts, comes the feeling of inadequacy of knowing that there is nothing at this time that my family can do to help them other than pray for them. And yes, the power of prayer can be powerful, but it doesn't feel like enough for me.

And with those prayers, comes forth those questions of why does it have to be so difficult for some people to fulfill their dream of becoming parents? Where does the sentiment that pregnancy and child birth are a natural, beautiful process? Yes, apparently as I search for these answers, it becomes apparent that I have unresolved issues of my own experiences. But, for me, perhaps I have become jaded after having a child almost 2 months early, multiple miscarriages and the ever present scare of losing the pregnancy while pregnant. Those experiences change a person and it makes it difficult to swallow good natured advice from optimists reminding you of what you do have. Trust me when I say that I feel incredibly blessed to have two beautiful, healthy children. Words will never effectively describe how blessed I feel for my two babies and the heartbreak and hell that we had to go through to achieve our blessings. But, when I reflect upon my own experiences and those of others, it is hard not to wonder why some appear to have an easier time with it than others.

If you have a moment today, tomorrow or three days down the road, please take a moment to include this family in your prayers. Deep down I know that they are going to be okay, but right now, in this moment, life for them is so very scary.