Reflection

I find I get more reflective on life as I get older. I would assume that this natural because as you get older, you tend to appreciate things a little more. You have to work for them (in most cases) and upon completion or possession, you can sit back and enjoy. As I have blogged in the past few weeks, I am on the hunt for a job. We are now mid month, and nothing. Nada. No bites. Part of me is concerned, yet the other part of me is okay with this. Perhaps this is my path that I am being steered to: opening a day home.

I find that I am incredibly attached to my children; more than I ever thought that I would be. I know that one can never prepare for parenthood until you are actually living in the moment. You can envision and plan, but that is all naive. You quickly learn that children own your heart and soul, that they live on their own schedules and will almost always throw a wrench into plans that you make for yourself. My children lasted three days in day care this month before getting sick and they have been home with me since. And, despite the snotty noses, spells of coughing fits, fever filled nights and general discomfort, the three of us have jumped right back into our daily routines of needing each other and entertaining each other. Now we are coming around the bend to the home stretch and within a day or two, the children should be well enough to continue back at daycare. The thought of that brings me to tears again. Tears because I want to be with my children. Tears that I have forked over a ridiculous amount of cash for the month in hopes of obtaining a job. Tears that my poor husband is working himself to the bone just to ensure that we are all okay. Basically, tears of frustration.

Yet, despite that self inflicted pity party, there is a warm light that shines over me. I start to smile in comfort, feeling privileged just to have this problem. I mean, I am devastated because I am leaving my children for a couple of hours a day, but yet, it means that I am a Mom! I am a Mom to two incredibly precious children. They have fulfilled my life beyond my wildest dreams and expectations. Each day I am humbled and give thanks for the smiles that are bestowed on me, the wet sloppy kisses, the tight hugs, the dramatic tears and the frustrations of learning the boundaries that I have set in hopes of ensuring that my children become respectful loving adults. I savour the quiet moments of watching my little angels sleep and bite my tongue in the trying moments when one of them is tired and testing the limits. I always thought that being a Mom would be a life sentence of a ball and chain of dependence and I would have to give up my life. Little did I know that becoming a Mother, meant that I would just discover that I was just starting to live life and realize how precious and rewarding life truly is.

So, to Kaelen and Masyn, thank you for enriching my life beyond my wildest dreams. Each time I look into your beautiful little faces, I fall more in love with you. Each time I wipe away a tear, I wipe one of my own. Each time you accomplish something new or crawl into me for affection, my heart grows a little more. You have taught me how to dream, how to grow and how to truly love unconditionally.