Reflections of the Past

Today I find that I am in a very reflective mood. It could be because of the dark and dreary day outside or it could just be a day that was predecided by my inner mind. I like these moods personally. I find that I always get an outcome of peace in the end even though it may start out with a few tears.

Today would have been my dad's 58th birthday. September was always a fun month because my mom's birthday is only 12 days before on the 2nd. Now Kaelen has joined in on the celebrations by having his birthday on the 9th. Obviously my family has a thing for the Virgo sign.

As I sit here and quietly salute my dad, I also sit back and wonder about what life would have been like with him in my life. In my naive mind, I envision him and my husband enjoying the finer points of life together like going on golfing trips, my parents and us participating in curling bonspiels together or even my dad and husband playing in a rec hockey league together. I smile when I think of all of the fun family dinners that could be had, how my dad would play with Kaelen and be silly with him and how great it would be just to have him in my life on a daily basis.

It is amazing really, that 20 years after his death, he is still such a fixture in my life. There is that little girl in me that still mourns for her daddy and wonders what it would have been like to get to know him as an adult. I know deep down it would be a fabulous relationship because I just take a look at what fun I have with my mom as an adult. But it still would have been nice when I had hurts and fears, to crawl into his lap and just cry. To be wrapped in his big embrace and be reassured that Daddy will conquer the dragons that were hindering me at the time. My dad was often my judge with major decisions in my life. I would always sit back and ask myself, "what would Dad think of this? Or what would Dad think of him?" I remember on the eve of my wedding, I was so overcome with emotion because I was so proud of the man I was about to marry and desperately wanted my Dad to be there to share my joys with me. And just after giving birth to Kaelen, that night I lay in the hospital bed and just cried. Cried because Kaelen would never meet my Dad and cried because I knew that my Dad would have been so very proud of me.

Despite my Dad not being with me in the physical sense, my Dad has been with me, in my heart for the past 20 years. Just knowing where I can find him in my time of pain and uncertainty helps me get through life's trials and tribulations.

So in short, if you are looking down on me today Dad, Happy Birthday. Thank you for guiding me and thank you for giving me the peace that I seek in my troubled times. You are missed by so many but loved even more so.