A Myriad of Conflicted Feelings

There are days when I wish that I could take a vacation from my brain. A vacation where I could simply exist in a mindless world where no thoughts or worries would be present. Where all feelings like responsibility, fear and self depreciation could go away for a short time so I could give this over worked brain of mine a rest. I know that it would be a short lived vacation as I am a person who tends to thrive on drama and emotions (or so I have been told) and I am also honest enough with myself that I am a person who needs to be needed.

Of late, I have been struggling with a sense of being selfish. A sense of feeling alone with no one to speak to. A sense of no matter how I try to express myself, that my true thoughts will not be conveyed. I just wish more than anything in the world, that someone could just truly take a look at me, see what is inside and wrap me in their arms and tell me that everything is going to be alright.

Why do I feel so alone right now? A plethora of reasons come to mind. I feel ashamed that I am not enjoying this privilege of being pregnant. I am too scared to allow myself to bond with this baby due to overwhelming fears of losing the pregnancy and the devastation that comes with it. I am extremely uncomfortable and dealing with pain, aches and cramps that just don't seem normal in a pregnancy. Of late, I have been struggling with my injections and it seems like every second day, I am hitting a vessel that causes massive bruising and swelling at the site. That, or I can't get the needle injected because my skin seems to have become as tough as leather. It is hard, because I will try to convey my worries and frustrations of this to the people in my life and I always end up feeling stupid because I know that they don't and can't understand.

I feel overwhelmed with trying to balance having to work full time yet still be a quality mother to my son. I struggle with the sense of disorganization and lack of proactiveness within my work environment and that I am wasting my time; that I could be apply it to much more useful and positive energies such as teaching my son about all of the beautiful things that are out there. I feel envious of my friends that have the ability to stay at home with their children while I leave my son four days a week with an angel of a woman to watch over him. Instead of looking at the bright side at how much love Kaelen is getting in his daycare, I find myself jealous that this angel gets to see Kaelen more in a day that I do. She gets him for 9 - 10 hours a day, whereas I maybe get 3 hours to be with him while he is awake.

Yet despite all of what could be perceived of these negative, selfish thoughts, I also focus on the happy things. There are moments in the day that as I walk down the hall at work, I can innerly smile to myself knowing that I am pregnant. The moment that I see my son when coming home from work, there is an impatient excitement to hold and hug him and see what he has learned from the day. The eager anticipation that I get when my husband is comes home from work, knowing that my heart will skip a beat and start fluttering because I can hardly wait to get that kiss from him and the greeting of "Hi Honey". The immense pride and swelling of my heart when I reflect on the two perfect men that I have in my life, knowing that I am blessed to even have such.

Perhaps the whirling of conflicting emotions that are constantly shifting my moods and feelings can be blamed on pregnancy hormones. Or perhaps, I need to learn to accept that life is what it is and that everything happens for a reason. I just know that it is tiring and that for most days of late, I feel defeated.

Wordless Wednesday

The Next Great One?

(For those of my friends that don't live in North America - I am referring to Wayne Gretzky; probably the best hockey player to haved played in the NHL at this point)

A Day for Telling Secrets

Mommy: "Kaelen, please for the 100th time, please do not jump on Mommy's tummy. Mommy can't play as rough with you anymore. We need to be careful."

Kaelen: "Boo-boo?"

Mommy: "Yes honey, Mommy has a boo-boo there, that is why you have to be careful with her tummy."

Kaelen lifts up Mommy's shirt and places wet kisses all over her bruised and slightly swelling tummy.

This is a daily conversation that we have been experiencing over the past couple of months. I just wonder when Kaelen will discover that he is kissing and already bonding with his brother or sister that is baking in my tummy. The bruising is from injections that I must take daily to ensure that I maintain my pregnancy. It is an anti-coagulant for a blood clotting disorder that was discovered after recurrent miscarriages.

I am 16 weeks and 5 days today and still live with the fears of losing this pregnancy. I look forward to the moment of feeling this little one moving around within me to reassure me that all is okay and dream of the day when Kaelen can be there, holding my tummy when he feels his sibling trying to make contact with him for the first time.

Wordless Wednesday

Kaelen at 9 months old. At first, it was thought that the crinkling of the empty can had captured his interest. It was soon realized that he comes by the desire to quench his thirst honestly; although we prefer Kokanee.

Sigh ... the Sound of a Frustrated Mother

Well, as I should have expected, the doctor appointment yesterday did not go how I would have liked. In my perfect little world, I would have loved nothing more than for the pediatrician to tell me that I have a perfect, smart little boy who has exceeded all expectations to date. That she was incredibly impressed at how much his speech has improved since our last visit and that he is off to the races to conquer the world.

Unfortunately it did not go as such. The pediatrician still quite concerned at Kaelen's lack of speech because he doesn't have (in her assessment) a 300 word vocabulary and he isn't speaking in 3 -5 word sentences such as "I want some juice please". Yah - show me a 2 year old child that can say that and I will accept that my son is possibly behind. In addition to this, she still seems to have a hard time believing me when I say that he can hear just fine and that his level of comprehension is extraordinary. I would match Kaelen's comprehension to that of a 3 - 4 year old child any day. You see, because Kaelen did not really crawl or walk until 18 months, he had no choice but to observe and listen. He is a smart little cookie that knows what is going on and thankfully he proved that point with the doctor yesterday as she put him through a few listening and comprehension tests.

The moral of this long winded post is that I still feel that Kaelen is just fine so I am going to ask my family doctor for a referral to another pediatrician; strictly for a second opinion. If this new doctor feels that Kaelen is behind, then obviously we must accept that he is behind and take proactive measures to help him out. As horrible as it sounds, if it does turn out that Kaelen needs speech therapy intervention, I just don't know how we are going to work that out. Therapy sessions take place during the weekdays and both Paul and I work. I guess that I won't worry about that too much right now and deal with it if and when the time comes.

Sigh .... being a Mommy some days is hard on one's abililty to believe in themselves and their inner instinct.

A Day of Interest

Today, in about 2 hours, Kaelen and I head off to a doctor appointment. This is a follow up appointment with the pediatrician who back in April was convinced that Kaelen has speech and possible developmental delay issues. Despite this doctor being a nice lady, I specifically remember thinking that she was a bit of a quack when leaving her office the first time as she would over enunciate things to Kaelen and speak to him as if he were hearing impaired; super slow and super loud. This was the appointment that I was also informed that Mom and Dad were not actual words, therefore did not count against what limited vocabulary Kaelen had (which only made 2 words after that). Plus, I never did enroll Kaelen into Speech Therapy; a service that this doctor highly suggested that I do immediately.

I don't know why I am going back really. I could have been referred to the pediatrician closer to my house whom I really quite like. She seems a little more level headed in the sense that she is not overly concerned that Kaelen was a premature baby and is not looking for the wrongs in him. Now that I think more of it, I should have just said "yes"; the drive is too far to come back up to this cracker of a doctor and gotten the referral. I guess that I had a moment of weakness and did not practice my usual direct self in taking charge.

So, Kaelen and I will make our drive across town and attend this appointment. I think what I am looking forward to is seeing how much Kaelen has grown since April; to see how much he weighs and how tall he is. I swear that this boy has gained at least 5 lbs since his last appointment as of late, he is just too heavy to carry for any period of time.

I am also keeping my fingers crossed that Kaelen will not drop the F* bomb on the doctor as that certainly has been a word that he has been practising since learning it from Mommy last week. He doesn't know that it is a bad word and he is not looking for a reaction from it. It is just a new sound to him that he seems to like to try out. Luckily, the words Puck and Truck can be passed off to him and we pretend that all is good.

I will update later as to how our appointment goes.

My "Career" versus Motherhood

Prior to becoming a Mom, I had always envisioned myself eventually being one of those dynamic, successful career women. I saw myself 10 years down the road pursuing my dream of becoming a public speaker; a motivator to young adults who are making that transition into adulthood that is full of responsibilities and expectations. Despite this vision, I seemed to always be searching for the perfect job. It seemed that no matter where I worked, I would always end up being bored, unchallenged and discontent. I would always come up with these wild ideas of different career paths that I just knew would perfectly suit me. Most of the time, I didn't do anything about these ideas because after time, they lost their appeal. All I knew at the time, is that I wanted to be big, successful and important.

When the time came in my life when a decision needed to be made as to whether we were going to have a family, it of course seemed like a great idea. I wasn't sure if I would be a good mom, but deep down I knew that I would regret it immensely if I didn't at least give it a shot. We were blessed to have gotten pregnant immediately upon trying. Throughout the pregnancy, I naively thought that having a baby would not change my life. It would not change my goals to become a dynamic career woman; that this child would not deter me from my desires.

That of course all changed the second Kaelen was placed into my arms. It was in that profound moment that I realized that I had discovered exactly what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. My dream job that I knew that I would never get bored, restless or unchallenged at. After two years, this hasn't changed, however, I find now that I yearn, covet and dream of being a full time stay at home mom. To be there to teach Kaelen everything and anything.

Just yesterday, sitting in my office at work, I found that I got into an argument with a colleague about stay at home moms and working moms. He argued that I would be bored at home and that it wouldn't be fair to Kaelen to have me at home with him. He felt that Kaelen and children in general need breaks from their parents and that they are behind socially when at home with their moms all day. He also stated that Moms needed breaks too and it was unhealthy overall for the entire family dynamics.

I have to admit that I got completely offended and upset by these comments; I felt like his comments were completely ignorant. The ironic thing is that prior to becoming a mom, I would have likely agreed with him. After debating with him for another fifteen minutes about the positive merits of having me at home with Kaelen, I realized that this conversation just wasn't going to go anywhere.

For him, his wife and their children, I guess this works for them. Both of the parents work full time and both parents take at least two trips a year without the kids. Both Paul and I work full time and literally count the minutes that we can speed home and be with Kaelen. I haven't been on a trip since having him and I don't miss it. I want to spend my days with Kaelen. I want to be the one to teach him all of the silly things yet all of the important things. I want to be the one who on a bad day, just wants to climb up the wall with craziness. I just can't imagine not wanting to be with my child as motherhood is so much more rewarding than any job or any pay cheque. That is the career that I want. It is the career that I covet and it is the career that I am going to strive to make happen for me.

Does anyone have $200K that they can impart with to pay off my mortgage and debts so I can at least get a kick start to the career path of my choice?

Reflections of the Past

Today I find that I am in a very reflective mood. It could be because of the dark and dreary day outside or it could just be a day that was predecided by my inner mind. I like these moods personally. I find that I always get an outcome of peace in the end even though it may start out with a few tears.

Today would have been my dad's 58th birthday. September was always a fun month because my mom's birthday is only 12 days before on the 2nd. Now Kaelen has joined in on the celebrations by having his birthday on the 9th. Obviously my family has a thing for the Virgo sign.

As I sit here and quietly salute my dad, I also sit back and wonder about what life would have been like with him in my life. In my naive mind, I envision him and my husband enjoying the finer points of life together like going on golfing trips, my parents and us participating in curling bonspiels together or even my dad and husband playing in a rec hockey league together. I smile when I think of all of the fun family dinners that could be had, how my dad would play with Kaelen and be silly with him and how great it would be just to have him in my life on a daily basis.

It is amazing really, that 20 years after his death, he is still such a fixture in my life. There is that little girl in me that still mourns for her daddy and wonders what it would have been like to get to know him as an adult. I know deep down it would be a fabulous relationship because I just take a look at what fun I have with my mom as an adult. But it still would have been nice when I had hurts and fears, to crawl into his lap and just cry. To be wrapped in his big embrace and be reassured that Daddy will conquer the dragons that were hindering me at the time. My dad was often my judge with major decisions in my life. I would always sit back and ask myself, "what would Dad think of this? Or what would Dad think of him?" I remember on the eve of my wedding, I was so overcome with emotion because I was so proud of the man I was about to marry and desperately wanted my Dad to be there to share my joys with me. And just after giving birth to Kaelen, that night I lay in the hospital bed and just cried. Cried because Kaelen would never meet my Dad and cried because I knew that my Dad would have been so very proud of me.

Despite my Dad not being with me in the physical sense, my Dad has been with me, in my heart for the past 20 years. Just knowing where I can find him in my time of pain and uncertainty helps me get through life's trials and tribulations.

So in short, if you are looking down on me today Dad, Happy Birthday. Thank you for guiding me and thank you for giving me the peace that I seek in my troubled times. You are missed by so many but loved even more so.

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

The Magical World of Bubbles

Mommy's Little Parrot

* Disclaimer: The following post contains swear words, so if you are uncomfortable with your child reading it, I suggest that you stop them now.

The time has come where Mommy and Daddy need to watch what we say. Over the past two weeks, Kaelen has gone from a very limited vocabulary containing actual words mixed in with baby jargon to full on 2-3 word sentences. He is also showing extreme interest in reiterating all that you say. Especially if you happen to enunciate one word stronger than others within your sentence.

On Friday night, our little family of three were doing a little last minute running around for Kaelen's birthday party the following afternoon. Perhaps it was the fact that it was a Friday night and my track record of late is not particularly great when it comes to driving on the roads of Calgary. The scenerio goes like this:

Mommy is driving, Daddy is sitting in the back with Kaelen playing away with a baseball. With the van packed full of presents and groceries we were on our way home to cook a late dinner. Just as Mommy is about to merge onto a main road, a car decides to blow a very red light, cuts us off and speeds up the road.

Mommy: "Fuck! " as I slam on the breaks.
Kaelen: "Fuck! Fuck!"

There is a poignant stunned silence in the car. I look into my rearview mirror at Daddy and said:

Mommy: "Did he just say what I thought he said?"
Daddy: "Yep"

We look at each other and try in vain to contain the smiles and laughter just waiting to spill forth.

Kaelen: "Fuck!"
Daddy: "That's right! Look at the big truck"
Kaelen: "Ya. Truck!"
Daddy: "Wow! You are such a smart boy! You just said Truck!"
Kaelen: "Ya. Truck!"

Disaster was narrowly avoided. As I cautiously drove up the hill not wanting to experience another near accident, I couldn't help but envision my child being the "shithead" of class. I fast forwarded to his first day in preschool and saw them do introductions and then Kaelen saying "Fuck you" or something like that.

Or ... on our next visit to the pediatrician on the 18th; the doctor who feels that Kaelen is very behind on his speech abilities. I envisioned her talking to Kaelen and saying "Okay Kaelen, what new words have you learned in the past few months? Can you enunciate a "k" sound? Kaelen enthusiastically responds "Fuck". Now, to be honest, part of me would love to have that little scenerio happen, purely just to see the look of shock on her face but then I would worry that she would call child services concerned for his well being at home.

Kaelen's Big Day

I can't believe that my baby has turned 2! Here are a few pictures from his party yesterday ....

Kaelen Turns 2 Today!

Happy Birthday to Kaelen;
Happy Birthday to Kaelen;
Happy Birthday to my dear boy;
Happy Birthday to you!!

Wordless Wednesdays

Following suit of other mommy blogs that I have been reading of late, I am going to try this out for a while. Every Wednesday, you will be treated to a picture or two of my family or whatever I may find of interest that day. These pictures were taken of Kaelen a couple of weeks ago. It was his first experience of playing in a lake with waves.

This Mommy is M.A.D.D.

Statistics show that deaths that occur over any long weekend are usually the result of drinking and driving. You would think that we have evolved to a day and age of awareness and responsibility. I guess that just goes to show how naive I can be in assuming that others are listening to the messages being relayed out there. Case in hand:

On Friday night, after a most enjoyable evening of watching Daddy play baseball and Kaelen playing until his little heart's content, the little man and I were on our way home. After a quick stop at the grocery store, we quickly head up the hill towards home. With groceries in the front seat, Kaelen quietly singing to himself in the back seat and Mommy singing along to the music as well, we were in for quite a shock immediately. Out of no where, an old white rusty Ford crosses two lanes of traffic, directly cuts us off, drives up onto the curb and then down again, only to fish tail onto a new street. Someone was watching for us above as they allowed for me to slam on my brakes (and lay some serious tire tracks) and swerve to narrowly miss being hit. Shocked that this has happened, I yell (unknowingly at the time) at this idiot only to realize that he is obviously drunk. We unfortunately had to go onto the same road, so I cautiously inch onto the new road and make my way to our house. Kaelen is crying in the back seat, the groceries are practically imbedded into my dashboard and I am trying to find my cell phone to call the police.

As Murphy's Law would prevail, my cell phone dies, Kaelen is crying really hard at this point and I have gone from a frightened shock to extreme anger. How dare this selfish man almost hit us and potentially hurt my babies? I was torn between calming my son and following this idiot to hurt him. Common sense took over and I realized that I needed to take care of my son. He was the one that needed reassuring right now as he was crying to the point of puking. As I made my way home, I realized that I was following the idiot. As it turns out, I am pretty sure that he lives in my neighborhood. I didn't follow him right home because Kaelen was too upset.

We made our way home and I took my precious boy in my arms to soothe him. There was no way that he was going to let go of me so as soon as I got into the house, I called the police and they came over right away so I could file a report. They immediately patrolled the area but to no surprise, have not come up with any guilty idiots. My husband and I still drive around the neighborhood every night in hopes that we can catch a glimpse into a garage and see the rusty old Ford pickup. And let me tell you, if I ever find this man, he is going to receive my full wrath. I have never been one for violence, but I honestly think that I could be physically violent towards this man.

I just don't understand how people can be so incredibly, selfishly stupid. I am also extremely grateful for my guardian angels and God for ensuring that my family was kept safe. The scene and all of the "could have" scenerios continue to run through my ever active mind.