Past, Present and the Future

For many, visiting a loved one in a cemetery is difficult, emotional, perhaps painful and even healing. I am no exception to those feelings. Yet, when I go to visit my father in his resting place, I am surrounded with a profound sense of loss but with that comes an incredible sense of peace and rejuvenation. I don't get up to see him as much as I should, as sadly, I do not get back to my home town enough. And, if it were in the winter months, I can't visit my father as he is literally buried under 8 feet of snow, so finding the gravestone is at times challenging. Oh yes, my sister and I have taken upon the challenge to dig around and find it. And those times were filled with laughter at what we were doing, a sense of accomplishment when we found him and that ever present sadness of what we have lost. I should add in too, that we are respectful of those around us too, so upon our dig, or even our summertime visits, we will leave flowers upon the headstones surrounding my father in gratitude for being such good company for him.



In the summertime however, the graveyard is incredible. The view as you sit at my father's gravestone is breath taking as it is silent. You are surrounded by the beauty of nature and the love for others that have passed on and the tribute that their families and friends continue to give to them. It is something that is important for me to share with my children and for them to experience.

Last weekend, we were back in my hometown for a wedding and to celebrate my mom's birthday. My sister and I took the opportunity to take the children up to visit my Dad. Kaelen has been up there a few times however Masyn had never had the opportunity to do so. I let the kids each pick out their own flower bouquet to lay upon my Dad's gravestone and it was then that I knew that this would be an educational visit for me and one that was going to be filled with laughter. The kids were so very excited to be a part of this visit and having the responsibility to decorate Grandpa's resting place.

To access the gravestone, you practically need to be a mountain goat to navigate the hill as my hometown is literally built on the side of a mountain. After scaling the mountain, the kids were eager to give Grandpa his flowers. And upon gifting Grandpa with his flowers, "the questions" began:

Kaelen: Mom, where exactly is Grandpa right now?

Me: Well, he is in heaven honey.

Kaelen: I know, but where is his body?

Me: Um, well his body is deep within the ground, but his spirit and being is in heaven.

Kaelen: So, what you are telling me is that we are standing on his head right now?

Me: Well, if you put it that way, yes honey, we are.

Kaelen: Grandpa must have been big and strong then for us to stand on him like this.

There were many other entertaining conversations and perhaps it was wrong to find humour in a place as such, but I know deep down that my Dad was laughing himself silly. He found the laughter in everything and my son's innocent questions would be no exception. So we went about answering all of Kaelen's questions, cleaning up around my father's grave site and paying respect to others around him. My children must be mine as we didn't have to prompt them on this little tradition that my sister and I have, they just naturally wanted to do so.

I won't deny that I was sucking up the tears when visiting my dad this time. I so desperately wish that he could be actively involved in my life in the physical presence and to partake in my beautiful life. He would be so proud of my children and I am very confident in saying that he and my husband would no doubt be very good friends and get into a lot of trouble together.

Even after 23 years of his passing, the raw hurt and yearning is still there, but I take comfort in knowing that he is with all of us in spirit.