Where Am I?

Honestly? Most days I don't know where I am. My head is caught up in the never ending list of things to get done, thinking ahead of what has to be done, yet cognizant of what is going on around me to intervene with child play if needed. My day starts at 5:30 am and doesn't finish until 10:00 pm, and trust me when I say there is NO TIME within those hours for me, unless you qualify walking/running at 5:30 am for an hour as me time. Personally I view it as a form of necessary punishment to ensure that I can keep up with the kids each day and sadly, I don't even get that done consistently.

And truthfully, I am struggling with everyday life right now. I am feeling overwhelmed and alone lately and it is bugging the crap out of me. So add to the above list: beating one's self up. Why beat myself up? Well it is sooooooo incredibly difficult for me to admit to anyone let alone myself that I feel like I need a break. A break from my children. There, I said it and now need to go and wipe the tears away. Why is it so hard for me to admit that? Why do I have to feel so incredibly guilty thinking and saying that? I mean, it is natural to feel that no? Truth be told, I am with my children 24/7 and alone. Hubby is working is ass off hauling huge hours 24/7 and it will be like that until at least October. It isn't like I am not used to this so why am I struggling? Part of me tries to justify it that I am working out of the house running a daycare, so for 10 hours a day, I have five children that I am responsible for. Add in another 4 hours of additional children and well ya, the desire for adult stimulation gets very appealing. By the time all children are gone, it is dinner time, bath time, bed time and then the tedious task of cleaning up the daycare, tidying the house and prepping meals for the next day. Before you know it, it is 10:00 pm and I am just sitting down for the first time in the day, hubby walks in, looks drained and hits the hay. No talky for Allie.

Anyways, this is my pity party for myself as I try to work things out for myself. In the big picture I feel blessed that I get to be at home with my children every day but sometimes it is hard to admit that I am human and need a break. Oh ... and did I mention that because I have so much time for myself that I am going to be working two nights a week outside of the house because we are hurting for money? I justify the extra labour as an investment because that money will go towards a 2 week family vacation that we ARE going on in January to act like a normal family, but secretly I think that I am a sucker for punishment.