To Dine or Not To ...

Okay folks, I think that I am turning into a neurotic nutcase. Seriously. For some reason or another, I have been hit with a severe case of insecurity or should I say uncertainty about my breast feeding skills. Deep down, I know that I am just being silly but there is that inner nagging voice that just won't shut up some days.

Since the day Masyn was born, she constantly receives comments about how small she is. This was/is a new experience for me because Kaelen was just the opposite despite his prematurity. Kaelen was always on the top end of the scale. I breast fed him too, but due to him being in the hospital and me not being able to be there for every feeding, he also took a bottle albeit it was breast milk too. I have had a few comments that perhaps Masyn isn't getting enough nourishment from the breast (hence why she is small) and maybe I should consider supplementing her with some formula to "help her catch up". At first, these comments would raise my shackles and have me bearing my teeth with colorful rebuttals such as "Hmm ... and here I was thinking that I produced skim milk" and so forth. But deep down, I started wondering if Masyn was/is getting enough. Up until two days ago, I hadn't pumped at all so I wasn't sure how much breast milk Masyn was actually getting. I started getting so wrapped up with that doubt that was placed in my head that I had convinced myself that she truly wasn't getting enough. Even when I took Masyn in to get her vaccinations, the public health nurse had mentioned that she was "light" and on the lower end of the growth charts.

So, over the weekend I took to pumping breast milk just to see how much she was getting at each feeding. Why? I am not sure. I mean, if she truly wasn't getting enough to eat then she would be feeding every two hours, she would be miserable and when not fussing, she would likely be sleeping a lot due to lack of energy. Well, she wasn't doing any of those things. I have figured out that she is probably getting about 5 ounces of milk per feed give or take a little. That gave me a little comfort to hold me through the weekend until her doctor appointment on Monday. When I brought this concern up with my doctor at Masyn's check up, my doctor reassured me that Masyn is doing rather well. She isn't at the low end of the growth chart but in fact just above the 50th percentile. And .... not to hold a lot of merit in those charts but focus on what she is and isn't doing, and of course, learn to filter comments and concerns and not take them to heart. I left the doctor's office renewed with confidence until now .....

Hubby and I have been kindly extended an invite to a fundraising dinner and evening for a local hockey team taking place on Saturday night. I would love to go, if only for a couple of hours, purely just to have stimulating adult conversations and to just kick back, relax and have a dance or two with my husband. And, we have even lucked out by two sisters that my husband works with, have asked if they could come over and watch the kids. The girls are 21 & 22 years of age respectively so heck - I have really lucked out in that department seeing that neither one of us have family here that could provide the loving care. What is my issue now? Well ..... if I go to this dinner, I will miss at least one feed with Masyn. Now, I do have pumped breast milk in the freezer but my issue is, what if she takes to the bottle for this one or two feedings so much that she rejects me and starts to self wean? I would be devastated because I am not ready to quit breastfeeding yet. And ... I should probably do at least one feed prior to Saturday with a bottle just to ensure that Masyn would even take one in the first place. Taking Masyn to the dinner is not an option for me, so I have to make my decision by Thursday as to whether I want to go to the dinner or not.

Anyone have suggestions, insight or experiences to share?