Spring Has Sprung

With the sunshine out and the occasional rain fall, the flowers are blooming, trees a budding and grass is getting green. What else is growing? Miss Masyn is! Okay ... and I will fess up, so it appears is my butt.

Yesterday, the little man and I took Masyn in to check on her weight at the local public health unit. For me, I am neurotic about ensuring my kids get enough moo when breastfeeding and because I am demand feeding with Masyn, that means no pumping for me. It drives me nuts because I am always concerned that she may not be getting enough especially when you see other babies wolf down 5 - 6 ozs of formula per feeding. I find it hard to fathom that her 5 minute barracuda like feeding puts that much in her tummy. Well my friends, it appears that she is doing just fine. Her last weigh in was on April 16 which she was 10 lbs 2 ozs and was 22 inches long. Yesterday: 11 lbs 7 ozs and 23 1/2 inches long!! I convinced myself that I measured her length wrong and even had the nurse double check. I mean, she grew 1 1/2 inches in less than a month!!

And to make it all fun, I always weigh and measure Kaelen. Nothing changed for him since the 16th, he is still 35 lbs and 38 inches in height. What was sad though, was he was very insistent that Mom get on the scale. I was good natured about it last month, wanting to have an idea if I had lost any since birthing Masyn, but knew that there wouldn't be much difference this month. Sigh .... of the 32 lbs that I gained with Masyn, I have only lost 12 of those.

I keep reminding myself that for me to lose weight, I need to do cardio exercise and for me, running will melt the pounds off within a couple of weeks. HOWEVER, when I did attempt to run last week, these massive boulders hanging off my chest were screaming in discomfort and that was even with 2 bras on! I find that I am constantly in a mental battle with myself. The war going on within is that I selfishly want to stop breastfeeding so I can start to exercise hard again, but doing so, I feel guilty that I will be cheating Masyn out of the good nutrients that are obviously doing so well for her. The guilt is strong enough that it wins out and I am going to continue breastfeeding Masyn for a while longer. My hubby tells me not to be so hard on myself; that I only had a baby just under three months ago. But when your clothes don't fit and you wear the same thing everyday, it just gets a little disheartening. Sad really. Sad that I need to be so obsessed with my body image, fueled by the fact that I can't wear my old clothes and that I am too cheap to buy new ones seeing as I am dedicated to lose these 20 luscious pounds.