I Am A Good Mom

Aside from the repetitive question of "Are you ready do be done with this pregnancy?" , the other most frequently asked question is "Will you be going back to work after this baby?". And, my answer is always "Yes. I have to." Up until recently, part of me always felt like I needed to justify that answer by explaining that we needed the income for our household just to be able to make ends meet. There were times that you would get a nod in response but then my imagination would run amok and I would assume that the person facing me was summing me up:

1. She isn't a good mother because her kids are "Daycare Kids";
2. She is materialistic and is selfish by not wanting to go without therefore putting herself before her children; or,
3. If you can't afford to stay home, maybe you shouldn't be having kids.

Now some of those statements might sound dramatic, but they are true. I have heard them before. Not necessarily to my face, but in passing conversations amongst other women who happen to be gossiping about another. Why is it that we as women, find the need to be so cruel towards one another? Why is it that we find the need to talk about other's faults and get fixated on them?

I will be the first person to admit that I envy other mothers; particulary moms that have the ability to stay at home with their children. But being envious is okay. To me, there is a huge difference between envy and jealousy. Being envious is that you are aware of something someone has and/or does and wish that you have it as well. You recognize it as something that would be nice to have/experience but are not bitter about it. Being jealous is that you covet that quality and become negative towards it. You start to feel resentful that you don't have it which then leads to negative behaviour whether it is through words, or through actions. Jealousy can become hurtful, whereas envy can acknowledge circumstances and desires.

A fellow co-worker (referred to here on in as Friend A) came to work on Wednesday very obviously upset. You could tell that she had been crying and was barely holding it together. Upon seeing Friend A upset, I had asked her if all was okay. She replied yes, that all was okay but her best friend (referred to here on in as B Friend) had made a comment to her that she just was not able to let go. She felt silly by letting this upset her but just couldn't let it go. With me being a person who loves to both talk and comfort people, I eventually got it out of her. What was the comment? It was along the lines of B Friend criticizing Friend A for having to go back to work once her maternity leave was finished. B Friend shared that it was part of her marriage contract that once the children came, that she would stay at home; period. B Friend went on to point out that mothers should be at home and those mothers who go back to work do so for selfish reasons.

Upon hearing this, I got mad. I explained to Friend A that this may work for her B Friend, but it doesn't necessarily work for all other people. I explained to Friend A that in today's society, we all face different challenges in our lives and there is no longer a right way or a wrong way. That being a mother in general is a special priviledge and it allows for us as women to be so multi dimensional. While I am sure 90% of women out there dream of being able to stay home with their children, the fact of reality is that many can't. With society the way it is now, the cost of living is so high not to mention what the cost of educating our children will amount to 15 - 20 years down the road. For some of us women, we have to work outside of the house and raise our children at the same time. It is not a choice for us. To ensure that our babies are taken care of, have food on the table and a roof over their heads, we are obligated to go back to work. Being one of these women, it certainly has given me a whole new found respect for single mothers. I give them the highest kudos for doing what they do. I have all that much more appreciation for my life knowing that at least I have an amazing husband to come home to who assists in the rearing of our children. Can you imagine how difficult some days may get for those single mothers?

There are also those women out there that have established careers and they would like to continue on succeeding in that direction. Does this make them a bad mother for wanting to go back to work? No. In my opinion absolutely not. You see - we as women are all different. We are made to be different as that is evolution. However, we all have that common bond: the desire to nurture. Whether it is nurturing children, pets or a significant other. We have an instinctive need to share our love with something/someone other than upon ourselves. Why do we seem to have such obstacles in nurturing our fellow sisters though? Why do we have this incecent need to judge each other whether it is upon looks, how we mother our children or what our beliefs are?

A fellow blogger Stephanie, posted this last week and this again today. Take a moment to read them and the comments that follow. We have the power to change and support one another and to me, it is obvious that there are many of us out there that are capable of doing that.

Oh .... and to Friend A's B Friend and all of the other people that have asked me if I will be going back to work and made me feel judged: The answer is Yes. I have to. In a perfect world, I would love to be able to stay home but at this point in my life, it isn't an option. You see, I have to live my life and if I waited until the perfect financial opportunity to have children, I may have waited a lifetime. To me, there is no such thing as the perfect time unless you create it for yourself. But don't worry though; I am a great mother. My son and this baby within me are loved beyond anything else in my life. And together with my husband, we will continue to ensure that our children are protected, cherished and loved. Should you ever feel that I am failing at this, please come and talk to me about it rather than everyone else. After all, if you go directly to the source for your information, you are likely going to get the most accurate and truthful answer.