I will be 27 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I think that I have officially hit that point that I am sure most Mommy-To-Be's for the second time experience. That feeling of: "Oh my, what have I done here". That mixture of fear, nervousness and uncertainty of your abilities to love another child as much as you love your current baby. And wait: before you go shaking your head thinking that I am a meathead, I know that I will love this baby the minute I get to cuddle it - heck, I am already in love with it inutero. What I find so ironic is the people who insist on telling me that I am an idiot to feel this way. This is coming from those who don't even have children or only have one. When I mention it to mothers that have two or more children, I get that little smile and nod of the head in knowing understanding; that it happened to them too. And when I confided my fears to my husband what kind of response did I get? "Well it is a little late for worries now isn't Allie?". Hmm. Just the reassurance that I needed.
I think that Kaelen picks up on these moments of insecurity that I have. It seems of late that the two of us are more cuddly than usual and can't get enough of one another. So much so, that I am breaking "the rules" just to cater to my needs to be with him. During meals, he lasts half of his meal in his chair and then transitions over to my lap for the remainder. At bed time, I lie down with him in his bed and we cuddle face to face and whisper sweet nothings into one another's ear. Kaelen will eventually fall asleep but has to have his hand on my tummy to "touch the baby".
There are those who kindly point out to me that I am going to make things harder on myself by allowing these little "wrongs" to happen, but I just can't help but do them. To me, these are my last precious moments to be with Kaelen alone; just the two of us. Once the baby arrives, the dynamics change. It won't just be Kaelen and me. I won't be able to drop everything and give him 100% of my attention and affection all of the time. The two of us will have to adjust and allow for sharing of each other's time.
I think Kaelen feels it too. That he knows that our together time is ticking away before the major change comes. He is seeking me out more for the cuddles. He is always asking me for hugs and kisses. And just on Saturday night, my perceptive little boy asked me this:
Kaelen: Hug Baby Mommy?
Mommy: Sure (and lift up my shirt)
Kaelen: Me hug baby Mommy when baby comes?
Mommy: Of course Kaelen, you can hug the baby whenever you want and as much as you want.
Kaelen: Me still Mommy's baby too?
That question made me cry. I of course reassured Kaelen and told him that he would always be my baby and that I would love him forever. But it was painfully obvious to me that I wasn't the only one who was experiencing a certain amount of fear and uncertainty about this impending arrival.
3 comments:
I must say again, what a great writer you are. My eyes are filled with tears. You are so great at expressing what so many people feel. It is so amazing how much people love their children. =)
Jenn
I had the same feelings with all 3 of my children. How can I ever love this baby as much as I love my other children? I also broke "the rules" when it came to the new baby coming. Rocking to sleep instead of put in his bed, etc. I saw no negative side effects at all. Only happy, loved children. I say follow your instincts on this one. Give your little guy a little extra love.
I don't think what you're doing is wrong at all. It sounds totally natural and I'm sure many mothers do the same without seeing any problems later as a result. Kaelen knows things are about to change and I'm sure he appreciates the extra attention. I'm sure you will always do a wonderful job of showing him he is still your little baby...you'll still be doing it when he's going off to college I imagine. Enjoy each other right now and then enjoy your new baby together.
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