Crash Goes the Toddler

Yep folks, she has gone and done it. Her lucky star ran out on this attempt to dance on a chair and cat scratching post. Masyn still hasn't learned from this little escapade that she can't fly when losing balance while dancing on a chair and like cowboys, got off the fallen horse and attempted it oh lets say .... four hundred more times since then. And now, for all of her adventurous spirit, she has a few battle wounds to show for her efforts. The only difference is now, she is sporting a nice black eye under her eye but as I told Kaelen, it is just to help enhance her overall beauty.

Masyn is my little risk taker. She has no care for her well being at this stage of her life. She will jump without the knowledge of a safety net to catch her, she will climb with total disregard of what is on the other side waiting for her. She will run into danger without any second thought and is very social and will approach pretty much anyone with eager delight.

Masyn had her first appointment yesterday with our new family doctor. It was a check up on her kidneys and a few follow up tests. The exciting part is that all is fabulous with Masyn's kidneys and between our new doctor and the specialist back in Calgary (as they consult), our specialist appointment in August will likely be the last one. BUT .... our new doctor also pointedly said, "Hmm .... I can see that you are going to have your hands full with this adventurous spirit. Let's just hope that I don't have to see a lot more of her due to her reckless nature." Now she did say that in a teasing note, but I know deep down that I had better start up running again just to keep up with Masyn and her antics.

Wordless Wednesday

Exhausted Slumber

And yes ... there was snoring involved ...

Local Celebrities

A couple of weeks ago, life was put on hold for a moment or four while a celebrity who is a known regular around town gave birth to her twins. For this momentous occasion, the media was out, roads were blocked off, there was the pomp and ceremony with flashing lights of emergency vehicles marking the cavalcade of on lookers determined to witness this miracle. The about to be new mother didn't plan accordingly as she ended up birthing her twins on the side of a busy street here in Cranbrook. Needless to say, this event still has people talking about it over coffees and donuts.

Unfortunately, despite the big event happening about two blocks from our hours, we missed this momentous occasion. However, on Saturday night, Kaelen and I during our walk, came face to face with the happy mother and children. And let me tell you, those twins are so stinking cute and playful!! I had read somewhere that Walt Disney studied baby deers in the making of Bambi and they are ban on with their interpretation of how these little ones move and play. These two little ones had those precious little white spots on their backs and bounced on spindly legs while trying to keep up with Mommy.

Small town fever must be catching on to me if I am writing about baby deer ......

Finding Friends

Dear Kaelen,

I used to write you so many letters but sadly, over the past couple of years, I have been remiss in doing so. Instead of writing them down, I have been telling you verbally, which for the moment is fun but I know that we will both forget the moment in time as we experience oh so much more together.

Today my precious little boy, you broke my heart yet made me laugh all the same. You were outside playing with two of your new friends. They are both a little older than you, but you don't care as long as they are willing to do things with you. There are times that you get hurt feelings because they don't want to do something with you, but I always gently try to remind you that it is okay. That friends don't necessarily have to play with each other all of the time. I also gently remind you that your friends are a little older than you and that sometimes they just want to play older kids games. This answer leaves you a bit perplexed but you accept it none the less.

Today you were outside playing good guys/bad guys with your friends. The three of you were running around the back yard pretending that the bubbles from the bubble blower could make you invisible so you could catch the bad guys and put them in jail. I had to leave the three of you for a moment to take care of your sister as she had pooped herself silly. Upon our return, I came outside to see you at the door crying, dirty and all by yourself. When I had asked why you were crying, you had exclaimed that the boys had broken Masyn's bubble blower, which was caked in mud and dirt. You meanwhile, were also caked in mud and dirt. When I asked how you had gotten so dirty, you told me that your friends (who had run home at this point) told you to throw dirt at yourself and roll in the mud. Of course you obliged because that is the way you are. You are a beautiful, sensitive boy who would do pretty much anything for anyone, especially if it meant having a laughing adventure.

After you told me all about your adventure (which I will remind you that you didn't want to get dirty but the boys made you), I gently explained to you that you didn't have to do everything people say and that it is okay if you don't want to do things that others do. This is the point that you got dramatically upset and, with HUGE crocodile tears and choking sobs, told me "They won't be my friends if I don't do what they want me to do". You were completely broken hearted my little boy as if you had lost everything in the world. You then went on, "Who will be my friend now? I won't have any friends" and went on to cry, very dramatically I might add, for at least another minute or so.

So there you were, dirty beyond belief with two white streaks down your face as your tears cleansed your filthy little cheeks. I will have to admit that I had to turn my face because I so wanted to laugh at your drama and the picture that it made, but more so, I wanted to cry. Cry for your broken heart at the thought of losing friends. You are so desperate for friends and everyone that you meet, becomes your best friend. I love that the most about you. You are so accepting of everyone and sensitive to every one's needs. I pulled you into my arms and told you so and that you are perfect. I told you that you don't need to become a puppet to have a friend and that you will have many friends in your lifetime. I told you that friends will come and go in your life and that you have to love them for the moment(s) that they are in your life. And most importantly, I told you to remember to treat your friends as you would like to be treated. My only hope is that you will remember those words as you grow and that they will help you grow into a confident yet sensitive young man.

After dinner tonight, your two friends came knocking at the door again and as always, you forgot the heart ache and enthusiastically ran outside to go on another adventure with them. Only this time, Mommy gently reminded your friends to treat you respectfully as you look up to them. And of course, I reminded your friends that they would be upset if they had been treated that way, so remember that it could always happen to them.

Love Mommy

Exhaling

It is needed and often forgotten to do when one gets wrapped up in the chaos that life can bring forth. I have exhaled over this weekend; many times. It felt good. It felt cleansing. It felt invigorating. And, it has infused me with new energy and determination to succeed in my new endeavour of opening a day home and trying to balance the workload of simple life management.

So, thank you all for your supporting and encouraging thoughts. You all are my soft place to fall, knowing that I will be supported and pushed to continue on and even inspired to do things that I might keep on the back burner because it would cause too much effort to try. And thank you to my children for infusing me with love and laughter this weekend. The two of you are just the medicine Mommy needed to help get me out of my funk. The adventures that we went on, the laughter that we had and even the tears that we shared filled me with hope and strength and decision. The decision that I should listen to my heart because I really don't want to miss any more moments with the two of you in this stage of your lives.

Here we go folks! The send button is about to be pushed to formally recruit two other beautiful children to become my children's playmates and to give the comfort and knowledge to other parents that their precious loved ones are being well cared for in another's loving arms.

And So It Goes On ....

Wow, what a week. When it rains it definitely pours, but at least there is sunshine about to break through the dreary clouds and stretch it's warming arms out to me and wrap me in warmth. Or at least I hope so.

So, what you may ask has crawled up my ass and festered? Feeling overwhelmed. There, I said it. Me, little Miss "I Can Do It All Without Your Help" is feeling overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed with working a job that I hate, despite really liking the people. I am feel overwhelmed with trying to manage my day right from the get go. Get myself up, get the kids up and fed, dropping them off at daycare, to run my ass off at work all day long, trying to book appointments on a minute break, to picking the kids up, feeding them dinner, try to get cuddles and playtime in, to bath time to bedtime. Then comes the weekend and it is packed with laundry, cleaning the house, yard work, grocery shopping, trying to pack in a week's worth of quality time playing and cuddling my children. Then comes being the sounding board to a husband who is burnt out with working seven days a week, minimum twelve hours a day. He is unhappy, miserable and tired. The kids aren't sleeping at night, so that means that Mommy doesn't sleep at night. Oh, and have I even mentioned that we are having severe daycare issues? Yep - EVERY.DAY.THIS.WEEK, our daycare Mom has cancelled out on me at 7:30 AM in the morning DESPITE reassurances the night before that all is good to go. So add in the stress of trying to find someone to watch my beautiful angels, to cancelling out of work and listening to everyone and their dog bitching to me telling me to find someone new to care for my children. That is easier said than done, especially given the fact that I have NO TIME to phone a million places in hopes that someone has an opening.

Soooooo my friends, just what am I going to do about this? Well, I keep hoping that one morning I will wake up and that money tree that I had planted in the backyard will have miraculously grown at least 10 feet tall with bountiful branches. Or, that somehow, I will wake up and have cloned myself during the night. That way, I could pass off the unsavoury moments to the droid that doesn't have feelings. I have also considered getting into my car and just driving into the middle of nowhere and screaming at the top of my lungs. Oh how invigorating that would be. No one but the deer and squirrels would be there looking at me as if I have gone off my rocker. But instead, I will have to settle for common sense and determination. Things will not get better unless I empower myself to make them better. So here is what I am thinking of doing:

1. Pursue diligently the option of opening a day home. I am pretty much set and just have to hit the send button for the advertisement to go out in the local paper(s). I just have to break the news to the golf course that I am leaving despite their continued efforts to involve me more in the day to day Food & Beverage Operations.
2. Having said that, terminate our relationship with our current daycare arrangements. It is just not working out so why prolong the pain? I already was a little too forward yesterday with my comments and concerns expressed to the day home Mom, hence why it is safe to say that our relationship is likely on the outs as it is.
3. Take some time for me. Looking back on this year so far and wow - I do need a break. With selling to moving to hurt children to running the household on my own, I need to give myself a break and let myself take in a breath, hold it and then relax on the exhale.

The list stops at three, but at least it is a start. I feel hope and that is good. My husband feels hope and that is good. Because of the daycare closure today, we had to inconvenience others at our places of employment in order to stay home with the kids. Hubby got the morning until 2 and I got 2 until now. For the first time since we made this decision to move to Cranbrook, I came home today to see laughter and happiness written all over his face. This was the first real time that he has spent with the kids in the past 4+ months and he enjoyed every moment of it. Just hearing him share his stories today and how much fun he had with the kids was the best medicine possible for him to have. So, I am viewing this as the changing of the tide and we as a family are on the road to better living .....

Um, perhaps you should wish me luck or keep us in your prayers, for one little thing could send me off my rocker again (okay ... I am joking ....)

Conversations In Your Head

Everyone is their own worst critic ... no? For me - I certainly am; to the point that I think that I go overboard on myself with expectations that I have set for myself. And truth be told, I have a hard time admitting that I am stuggling and have been struggling for months now with juggling the many balls that are on my platter. It is tough because I feel if I admit that I need help, or that things may feel overwhelming at the moment, that I will be judged by my family and friends. Isn't that kind of sad? Family and friends are supposed to be your soft place to fall yet I am too scared to fall there because I have difficulties admitting that I am not a super hero and all together. When I even contemplate about leaning on anyone, I feel stupid and that I need to buck up and deal with it. Yet, as time goes on, the weight of responsibility gets heavier and heavier.

Of late, I feel like I am the worst Mommy in the world. I lack the patience with my kids after a long day at work and struggle with their whining and quest for independence. There are days that it almost defeats me and I just want to close the bathroom door and cry while the kids bang on the other side crying for me to hold them, cuddle them and such. And as always, I do pull them close into me and their little wet kisses and hugs are the healing balm that my heart and soul needs for that moment. And, while holding them so close to me, I get a wave of guilt wash over me for being so needy, so weak and so pathetic. Pathetic because I love my children more than anything else in this world. We have been on such a journey just to have a family and I am completely humbled at the priviledge of being their Mommy. That is where my critical self kicks in and I start secretly ripping into myself for having weak moments. And then the ugly replays of conversations of the past creep into my head, you know, those stupid comments that come out of family and friend's mouths that piss you off at the time yet for some reason stick with you? Why oh why do those comments rear their ugly heads when I have moments of weakness?

It is hard for me, this feeling of struggling, of pressure and of never seeing an end. I am the one who rarely cares what others think of me. I am the one who will be upfront to people in my thoughts. I am the one who is the leader of the pack always pushing forward and trying to inspire people. I am the one that encourages people to believe in themselves and to be all that they can be. So, if I can do all of this for others, why is it so difficult to practice what I preach?

An Interview With Kaelen

What is your favourite thing to do with Daddy?
Playing hockey and soccer with Daddy

What does Daddy do that makes you laugh?
Make funny faces

Does Daddy do anything to make you mad or cry?
Has stinky farts and bit me one time to make my cry. Oh ... and that time that he made me fall over the couch on my face; that really hurt. My cried for a long time.

What is Daddy the best at?
Playing hockey because he takes the ball away from me all of the time

What do you love the most about Daddy?
Giving him hugs because he is SO strong

What do you want to say to Daddy for Father's Day?
My really love Daddy. My really love Daddy. (chanting this mantra). And that he said that he would take my to play tennis one day.

Happy Father's Day

For those of you who have never met my husband, he is truly a wonderful man and an excellent father. Watching his eyes light up as soon as he walks into a room with one of our children and that beautiful smile that encompasses his entire body makes my heart melt. My husband has been working a lot this year, so much to the point that he has really missed out on our family time and the kids growing up. I know that this devastates him and that he is trying in earnest to find a balance that will allow for him to be with the kids more, but sadly, he/we have not found that yet. Words can not explain how much my heart goes out to him for his sacrifice(s) to ensure that the bills get paid and that this house that we love so much remains the roof over our heads. I may complain a lot about having to work myself and struggle to find the balance of raising my kids on my own for most of the year but in the big picture, I am humbled at how much my husband gives to this family to ensure that we are all happy.

He is truly a great Daddy, a great man and a great husband.

Happy Father's Day honey.

To Be ... Or Not To Be ....

These past two days have been filled with fabulous blogging opportunities updating you all on the marriage plans of Kaelen and myself. Precious, heart melting moments such as this:

Kaelen: "Mommy. My just want to marry you soon because you are the only girl in the whole wide world for me. And, my want to give you flowers everyday because girls need flowers from boys so they know they are pretty"

Where he gets this kind of information is beyond my understanding but I don't have the inclination to correct him either. I figured, if he wants to give flowers to girls, why not? It would certainly be a step in the right direction in grooming him to be the perfect, thoughtful gentleman. That is until his comment yesterday was:

Kaelen: "Mommy. My not think that my want to marry you anymore."
Mommy: "What? Why not?"
Kaelen: "Well (pause with dramatic sigh) well .... because my want to marry Masyn."
Mommy: "Masyn? Oh ..... "
Kaelen: "Ya, my want to marry Masyn because she is a little girl. You ... you are too grown up for me."
Mommy: "Grown up?"
Kaelen: "Ya. Old. Mommy, you are too old for a boy like me."

Sigh .... I think that I am going to have my work cut out for me in the many years to come after all. Especially seeing as he seems to be taking a page or two from his Daddy's books. You see, my husband is about the most UNROMANTIC man in the world and it is not because he doesn't believe in it - he just doesn't think of it. And, do I even have to mention that getting compliments from the man is like pulling teeth?

So having said that, do you think there is any hope(s) for Kaelen?

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

Catching Flies or Just Another Silly Face?

It's Official

Well folks, it is official! I am getting married .... again! My heart has been completely captured and the incredibly touching proposal came to me this morning during the most amazing cuddle. And, my current husband has graciously decided to step aside for this new comer which I must say could be a bit of a slight to the ego seeing as I am leaving him for a younger man. I have reassured my soon to be ex that he is truly a wonderful man, but that my soon to be new husband likes to shower me with hugs and kisses at whim many times when given the chance - how on earth could I pass up a lifetime of that?

My fairytale proposal went a little like this:

Kaelen: "Mommy. I just love you and love you and love you and LOOOOVVVEEEE YOU! And, I have something very important to tell you that you can't tell anyone K?"
Me: "Oh Kaelen, I love you too sooooooo much. What do you have to tell me?"
Kaelen: "I think that we should get married because I just love you too much. You are the girl that I want to marry and be with when I get old."
Me: "Oh sweetie, that is so nice. I would love to marry you too!"
Kaelen: "There is just one problem. Daddy. You have to tell Daddy that you don't want him because you want me as your husband."
Me: "Okay. Done deal. Now ... can we seal this pact with a kiss?"

Later on today:
Kaelen: "Daddy. We need to talk."
Daddy: "Okay. What's up Buddy?"
Kaelen: "Me have to tell you something very important that you aren't going to like."
Daddy: "Really. And what is that?"
Kaelen: "Mommy is going to dump you because she loves me more than you and says that I am cuter too. Me going to marry Mommy because she is my best friend and I just love her too much."

Now folks, if that isn't a dream proposal come true, I don't know what is .......

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

Chasing Butterflies at Fort Steele

Barking At The Moon

Is a full moon on the rise? I am pretty sure that is still a couple of weeks away, but of late, one would think that it is consistently bathing my house in it's silent, bright shiny beauty. It of late seems to be particularly shining a path right into Masyn's room, and like a creature of the night, she rises to the occasion. After listening to her paying homage to the moon with tears and screams, I will usually cave and half expect to see fangs or something that have sprouted on her when I go in to comfort her. I mean, who ever thought that letting a kid cry it out is the best therapy? Obviously they were not a working parent nor a sane one to boot. Obviously, they did not have other children sleeping right next door. Besides, it after a couple of months of this, it seems a little barbaric and of course pointless because we are getting nowhere with this format.

I have come to the point thinking that her awakenings must mean something; that she and her little body are trying to tell me something. And, as other parents can identify with this, once your child has experienced a serious illness and all, that tingle of fear will rear it's ugly head and put the thought on the forefront that it is all happening again. Last time Masyn struggled to sleep through the night, I was chalking it up to teething, when in actual fact, she was dealing with a massive kidney infection. So, those little doubts add fuel to the fire in an already tense situation. Half of the time, Masyn is ready to party and is full of piss and vinegar at 2:00 in the morning and the other times, she is just down right fussy. At first, was pretty adamant on not picking her up to console her because I had read that she would come to depend on this. So I would go in, lie her down in her crib and gently tell her that she had to go back to sleep. Ahem ... not the most successful thought plan I might add.

The next attempt(s) I would just let her fuss and cry it out. Again, it came to a point that my sanity was flying out the window with Masyn in her attempts to fly into moonlight freedom. And besides, it seems so barbaric to me to just let her scream and cry. It breaks my heart. I mean, there is a difference between letting your kid cry to let them vent their frustrations, but when one doesn't know the root cause for the tears, it is tough to justify letting her cry for 15+ minutes.

I keep using the excuse that Masyn is still adjusting to some major changes in her life: a move, new house, new daycare and Mommy going to work. For a little child - that is a lot of change that many adults struggle with. So, with this in the back of my mind, I try to have more understanding and patience with Masyn at night and so far it seems to be working. It is almost like Masyn has developed a pattern: if she isn't getting enough attention for me, then she seems to have the sleep issues. If I make a point of cuddling her lots and showering her with affection during the day, then she sleeps through the night. On the tough nights, while it may not be the best solution, I try getting her settled and then make camp for myself on the floor beside her crib. We usually hold hands for 15 minutes until she falls back to sleep and then I will either relocate back to my bed or I have passed out with exhaustion and will remain on the floor.

Does anyone else out there have experience in this with their children? If so, what has worked for you?